When Neil was home, any time I was sick he would always take care of things around the house on the weekend and would let me rest. He would even bring me breakfast in bed.
Last night, I went to bed knowing that I had a sore throat coming on. It had been going on all day and I finally gave into it and took some NyQuil and went to bed. This morning I woke up and there was no doubt that the sore throat was there. It took me forever to get moving and Tyler was gracious enough to let me lay in bed while he entertained himself in his room. I finally rolled out of bed and got us both dressed so we could run out and grab some food and retreat right back to the house. And here we've been all day. Tyler has been watching movies on his DVD player and I've been planted on the couch watching some DVD's I got out at the library.
One thing I learned today about men is that they are just born ignoring women. It's not a learned thing or them just being fed up with women. Tyler was watching TV and I got up to go put my car in the garage and he looked at me and I said to him 'I'm going to go put the car in the garage, I'll be right back.' and he turned back to his TV without saying anything so I said 'Tyler, did you hear me?' he turned to me and said 'Yes.' so I said 'What did I say?' he said 'Ummm you're going potty?'. So I said 'Noooo! I'm going to put my car in the garage.' To which I then mumbled under my breath that he was definitely a man! I already feel bad for his future wife.....or husband!
I've spent all day wrapped up in my blanket and my hoodie but I would've given anything to have been wrapped up in Neil's arms all day long. I can only hope for an improvement tomorrow. Being inside all day drove me insane and I didn't want to spend the weekend like this. Tyler works hard at school all week and my working out takes up the time that he is at school and now we couldn't even enjoy our weekend together. I hope we will be able to do something tomorrow and that this cold will just be a horrible memory.
I was looking at the countdowns that I have on my phone and realized that we're already into the double digits to this shitty deployment ending! I'm so over it all and feel so alone and exposed without him here. There are days when I feel like I don't have a friend in the world and I call my Mother way too late to chat her ear off or just to feel like I'm close to someone. I'm glad that Neil has reenlisted because he loves this life and I love him happy (although he DID sign his paperwork nearly a month ago and has YET to have his ceremony) but it will be great to be back on the East Coast and try a new duty station on for size! We've both learned a lot here and grown as people but it's time to move on! One of the things that we agreed upon about getting into this Army life as a family is that we wanted to travel and see new things/experience new places and I'm ready to have him home and see somewhere new! There is still lots of places around here that we want to see before we PCS and we are hoping to leave early before we have to be at our next duty station so we can see California before we go!
I love you, Neil, come home to us soon! ♥
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Monday, October 08, 2012
The second loss....
Yesterday, October 7th, I came home after having dinner with my son to find my nearly two year old Maltese standing in his cage swaying side to side and salivating. I'd worried he'd had a seizure and called the Animal Emergency Clinic. They agreed and wanted me to bring him in since he wasn't coming back to and was wandering around the house aimlessly.
I loaded him up in his carrier and off we went rushing to Tacoma. Tyler and I ran through the front doors and they called from a triage team to come out and get Tigger. They rushed him back to take his vitals and to assess him. I filled out paperwork, shaking the whole time. We finished and they sat Tyler and I in a room and we waited for the doctor to come back with her assessment. It felt like hours but she came in and told us that she believed he had had another seizure in the car on the way there. His vitals were good but he was unresponsive and had tried to seize on the table so they gave him some anti-seizure meds. She ruled out epilepsy right away since he wouldn't have had so many seizures back to back.
The doctor went back to run some more tests and I went outside to call my parents and get some perspective. I sobbed and they tried to reassure me but I already knew it wasn't looking good for my Tiggy. The doctor came back out with Tiggy wrapped up in a blanket and wanted to give me some time to hold him and to let him know that I was still there. I held him and he was limp up against my body with his hot breath panting onto my chest. I didn't want him to suffer and I could already tell that he wasn't himself. She gave me some of the results but said that Tigger wasn't getting any stronger and his balance was getting worse, he could barely walk. She said we could give him the evening and reevaluate in the morning but that if he took a turn for the worse in the middle of the night that they would just make the decision to put him out of his pain. She wasn't ready to give up on him if I wasn't ready but she said that even if they could get him stable enough for surgery that, after so many seizures, there was no telling what his quality of life would be afterward but that he was nowhere near strong enough to discuss those options at the moment and he was only getting worse.
She took Tiggy back to get him comfortable again and I called my Mother and told her everything that was going on. I knew what I had to do for him but I couldn't bear the thought of asking them to end his life when, in my eyes, he was still my little puppy. I talked to the doctor again and she said that he was still trying to seize but that the meds were keeping it at bay but his time was drawing to a close and that the best thing for him would be to let him go. I agreed and they went back to prep the team and Tigger.
They brought Tyler and I into a room and they layed a blanket on the table so he would be comfortable. I tried to explain to Tyler that we had to say goodbye to Tigger but he didn't seem to understand. They brought him in and laid him on the table. I kept looking into his eyes and petting his head. He was already so at peace and closed his eyes every time I brushed his fur back on his head. I gave him kisses on his nose repeatedly hoping that he would kiss me back but he was too lethargic. Tyler kissed him too and then a nice nurse came in and took Tyler out to the waiting room and got him some candy. I stayed with Tigger and soon after Tyler left the doctor came in. I talked to her a little about Tigger and what an amazing dog he is. She asked if I wanted more time alone with him and I said no, I knew it would only prolong the inevitable and I knew that he was ready to rest. She went on the other side of him and I got closer to his face and kept telling him I loved him and how sorry I was. She took the syringes out of her pocket and placed them on the table beside him. She started by flushing his line, then giving him a sedative and then the over dose. I begged him to forgive me and that I was so sorry I couldn't do more. I kissed him one last time and the doctor told me 'He's gone.'. I cried and held onto him and the doctor stepped out of the room. I couldn't believe he was gone. I still can't. I continued to pet him and talk to him and after awhile the doctor came in. Behind sobs I told her about how he had this stupid haircut as his last one. How the groomers had found his ears too matted and they just shaved them without telling me and I was so mad. She said it seemed to fit him, it really did. My spunky, unique Tigger. The doctor cried with me as I relayed stories about him, my marvelous Maltese.
I said my last goodbyes and she covered him up and then picked him up off the table. All those images in that room were burned into my brain. I found it hard to remember his bark, his kisses, how he would run around the house or greet me when I came home. All I could see were those sad eyes that were vacant with no hint of recognition in them. My young puppy. I wish I could've done more. I wish there would've been more to do.
We had so many amazing memories with him including our vacation to Florida. Not many Pacific Northwest dogs get to vacation in sunny Florida! He was a lucky puppy and we were lucky to be part of his life, albeit not for long. We love you so much, Tigger! I hope you're at peace and that you know that everything we did was out of love for you! Had one detail been different I would've done everything in my power to keep you alive but I knew your little body was giving up despite what a tough dog you actually were. Please watch over us and remind us of your presence whenever you can!
RIP Tigger Humphreys, 28 December 2010 - 7 October 2012
I loaded him up in his carrier and off we went rushing to Tacoma. Tyler and I ran through the front doors and they called from a triage team to come out and get Tigger. They rushed him back to take his vitals and to assess him. I filled out paperwork, shaking the whole time. We finished and they sat Tyler and I in a room and we waited for the doctor to come back with her assessment. It felt like hours but she came in and told us that she believed he had had another seizure in the car on the way there. His vitals were good but he was unresponsive and had tried to seize on the table so they gave him some anti-seizure meds. She ruled out epilepsy right away since he wouldn't have had so many seizures back to back.
The doctor went back to run some more tests and I went outside to call my parents and get some perspective. I sobbed and they tried to reassure me but I already knew it wasn't looking good for my Tiggy. The doctor came back out with Tiggy wrapped up in a blanket and wanted to give me some time to hold him and to let him know that I was still there. I held him and he was limp up against my body with his hot breath panting onto my chest. I didn't want him to suffer and I could already tell that he wasn't himself. She gave me some of the results but said that Tigger wasn't getting any stronger and his balance was getting worse, he could barely walk. She said we could give him the evening and reevaluate in the morning but that if he took a turn for the worse in the middle of the night that they would just make the decision to put him out of his pain. She wasn't ready to give up on him if I wasn't ready but she said that even if they could get him stable enough for surgery that, after so many seizures, there was no telling what his quality of life would be afterward but that he was nowhere near strong enough to discuss those options at the moment and he was only getting worse.
She took Tiggy back to get him comfortable again and I called my Mother and told her everything that was going on. I knew what I had to do for him but I couldn't bear the thought of asking them to end his life when, in my eyes, he was still my little puppy. I talked to the doctor again and she said that he was still trying to seize but that the meds were keeping it at bay but his time was drawing to a close and that the best thing for him would be to let him go. I agreed and they went back to prep the team and Tigger.
They brought Tyler and I into a room and they layed a blanket on the table so he would be comfortable. I tried to explain to Tyler that we had to say goodbye to Tigger but he didn't seem to understand. They brought him in and laid him on the table. I kept looking into his eyes and petting his head. He was already so at peace and closed his eyes every time I brushed his fur back on his head. I gave him kisses on his nose repeatedly hoping that he would kiss me back but he was too lethargic. Tyler kissed him too and then a nice nurse came in and took Tyler out to the waiting room and got him some candy. I stayed with Tigger and soon after Tyler left the doctor came in. I talked to her a little about Tigger and what an amazing dog he is. She asked if I wanted more time alone with him and I said no, I knew it would only prolong the inevitable and I knew that he was ready to rest. She went on the other side of him and I got closer to his face and kept telling him I loved him and how sorry I was. She took the syringes out of her pocket and placed them on the table beside him. She started by flushing his line, then giving him a sedative and then the over dose. I begged him to forgive me and that I was so sorry I couldn't do more. I kissed him one last time and the doctor told me 'He's gone.'. I cried and held onto him and the doctor stepped out of the room. I couldn't believe he was gone. I still can't. I continued to pet him and talk to him and after awhile the doctor came in. Behind sobs I told her about how he had this stupid haircut as his last one. How the groomers had found his ears too matted and they just shaved them without telling me and I was so mad. She said it seemed to fit him, it really did. My spunky, unique Tigger. The doctor cried with me as I relayed stories about him, my marvelous Maltese.
I said my last goodbyes and she covered him up and then picked him up off the table. All those images in that room were burned into my brain. I found it hard to remember his bark, his kisses, how he would run around the house or greet me when I came home. All I could see were those sad eyes that were vacant with no hint of recognition in them. My young puppy. I wish I could've done more. I wish there would've been more to do.
We had so many amazing memories with him including our vacation to Florida. Not many Pacific Northwest dogs get to vacation in sunny Florida! He was a lucky puppy and we were lucky to be part of his life, albeit not for long. We love you so much, Tigger! I hope you're at peace and that you know that everything we did was out of love for you! Had one detail been different I would've done everything in my power to keep you alive but I knew your little body was giving up despite what a tough dog you actually were. Please watch over us and remind us of your presence whenever you can!
RIP Tigger Humphreys, 28 December 2010 - 7 October 2012
Saturday, January 08, 2011
The Surgery
It finally happened! I went under the knife and had my gallbladder removed. After over a year of living with the pain and trying to manage it on my own it came down to me laying on a cold operating table while I bid adieu to my pesky gallbladder and the stone that had made my life hell.
The night before I had to take a shower and use some prep cloth on the surgery site. I did so and then in the morning I had a second cloth that I had to use right before leaving the house. We loaded all three of us into the car along with everything to entertain Tyler in the hospital with for a few hours. We got to the hospital and I went up to the surgery check-in desk, got my vitals taken then went and sat in the play area with Tyler while I waited for them to call my name. It took about an hour but they called my name and led us all into the operating waiting room. They checked all of my information again, confirmed what surgery I was having and then sent me into a dressing area where I shimmied out of my clothes and into their finest hospital gowns. I waited freezing cold while they led me and two gentlemen to our beds in the next room. We got in our own, separate beds, and each of us were visited by nurses. I got to meet the nurses who were going to be there during my surgery. Both were very nice! The one told me how we were meant to be because she had little snowflakes on her Croc looking shoes and I still had the snowflakes embellished on my ring fingers! It really did feel like God was watching over me!
It all seemed to go pretty quick once we were in there. Next the nurse came in who was going to start my IV. She patted my hand for a few minutes and then asked me if the other one was better, I told her that the hand she was currently taping was the one that they tapped into when I was in the hospital having Ty. She eventually got it all in and then the anesthesiologist came over and told me she would be taking care of me while I was out. She told Neil and I to say our goodbyes so we did and Tyler was lifted up and gave me kisses and told me 'Goodnight'. They wheeled me into the operating room and switched me from my bed to the operating table before I knew it I was waking up in the recovery room. I don't recall them letting me know that they were going to be putting me out but there I was in recovery. The nurse asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was nauseous and she said she would give me something for it. I asked her how the surgery went and she told me it went fine.
Once I was a little more with it she brought in Neil and Tyler to see me. I guess it was a little much for Tyler though because the nurse was sending them back to the waiting room. I stayed there for awhile because my doctor had scrubbed in on another case and wasn't able to get the paperwork together to send me out. Eventually she got a hold of him, got me dressed and into the wheelchair. Once she was confident that I wasn't feeling dizzy she took my IV out and then wheeled me down to wait for Neil to bring the car around. They helped me into the car and we went home.
Here I am, sat on the couch where I have been since we got home yesterday. I've not traveled very far and get up every once in awhile to just keep myself from getting too stiff in the abdomen.
Now I feel like taking a nap again so I must go! Thanks for reading and thanks for all the well wishes!
The night before I had to take a shower and use some prep cloth on the surgery site. I did so and then in the morning I had a second cloth that I had to use right before leaving the house. We loaded all three of us into the car along with everything to entertain Tyler in the hospital with for a few hours. We got to the hospital and I went up to the surgery check-in desk, got my vitals taken then went and sat in the play area with Tyler while I waited for them to call my name. It took about an hour but they called my name and led us all into the operating waiting room. They checked all of my information again, confirmed what surgery I was having and then sent me into a dressing area where I shimmied out of my clothes and into their finest hospital gowns. I waited freezing cold while they led me and two gentlemen to our beds in the next room. We got in our own, separate beds, and each of us were visited by nurses. I got to meet the nurses who were going to be there during my surgery. Both were very nice! The one told me how we were meant to be because she had little snowflakes on her Croc looking shoes and I still had the snowflakes embellished on my ring fingers! It really did feel like God was watching over me!
It all seemed to go pretty quick once we were in there. Next the nurse came in who was going to start my IV. She patted my hand for a few minutes and then asked me if the other one was better, I told her that the hand she was currently taping was the one that they tapped into when I was in the hospital having Ty. She eventually got it all in and then the anesthesiologist came over and told me she would be taking care of me while I was out. She told Neil and I to say our goodbyes so we did and Tyler was lifted up and gave me kisses and told me 'Goodnight'. They wheeled me into the operating room and switched me from my bed to the operating table before I knew it I was waking up in the recovery room. I don't recall them letting me know that they were going to be putting me out but there I was in recovery. The nurse asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was nauseous and she said she would give me something for it. I asked her how the surgery went and she told me it went fine.
Once I was a little more with it she brought in Neil and Tyler to see me. I guess it was a little much for Tyler though because the nurse was sending them back to the waiting room. I stayed there for awhile because my doctor had scrubbed in on another case and wasn't able to get the paperwork together to send me out. Eventually she got a hold of him, got me dressed and into the wheelchair. Once she was confident that I wasn't feeling dizzy she took my IV out and then wheeled me down to wait for Neil to bring the car around. They helped me into the car and we went home.
Here I am, sat on the couch where I have been since we got home yesterday. I've not traveled very far and get up every once in awhile to just keep myself from getting too stiff in the abdomen.
Now I feel like taking a nap again so I must go! Thanks for reading and thanks for all the well wishes!
Monday, November 29, 2010
It's been too long....
I feel like I've been neglecting you, dear blog. It has been a whirlwind since Neil got home though. We had less than a week to pack up our life in Florida, say goodbye to our family and head off for the great state of Washington in the Pacific Northwest. We had an amazing time with our family and I feel that we made the most by saying goodbye to everyone. There are some of my family members that I felt I left things unresolved with but I'm happy to hear that they are all working on it together even though I can't be there.
Let me take this moment to go through our driving journal and tell you guys about how we ended up getting here to Washington!
Obviously, we set off from Florida on November 6th. We knew that it was going to take us five days and towards the end of our trip we were going to hit snow of some sort. It was a great ride and we had so much fun. Here goes:
November 6th: Oviedo, FL to Paducah, KY
We set off at 7:25a, right on schedule! We stopped off at Publix to pick up some ice for our cooler. We hit the highway at 7:37a. At 9:09a Neil woke me up (he had taken the first leg of driving) and said 'I think I just got busted speeding.' I look in the side mirror and sure enough there is FHP behind us. I pull out all of our details and hand them to the trooper. She was very nice but Neil was still issued a ticket since she felt (and I completely agree) that he should've been driving more safely with his family in the car. No reason to be mad or anything, I figured one of us would probably get one on the way up there. But by no means did I want it to happen! This was around Gainsville so we pulled over to get gas and switch drivers. At 11:01a we crossed into Georgia. At 2:37p we stopped in Jackson, GA to get gas and to switch drivers again. 4:05p we were in Allatoona, GA when we started to see mountains. It was then that we arranged a slight detour to see Neil's battle buddy, Beaty, in Cleveland, TN. 5:05p we crossed into TN. We stopped for an hour or so to see Beaty and then hit the road again. 8:30p we hit the central time zone. 8:24p we stopped for gas again in Monteagle, TN. 11:40p we crossed into Kentucky! Then finally at 12:55a we arrived at our first hotel, the Days Inn in Paducah, KY! Temperature on arrival was 31 degrees!
November 7th: Paducah, KY to Sioux Falls, SD
8:00a Set off on the road after stopping at BK for breakfast and filling up the tank. 1:42p stopped for gas again while listening to the Bears game on Sirius! Stopped in Nelson, MO. It was a toasty 73 degrees outside! Switched to me driving. 4:50p Crossed the Iowa state line. 6:00p we stooped for gas again and to clean the many dead bugs off of the car. 7:20p crossed into South Dakota. About 50mi before that my car hit 55k! It was 62 degrees outside. 8:30p we arrived at our hotel, Days Inn Sioux Falls, SD.
November 8th: Sioux Falls, SD to Helena, MT
7:45a set off for Mount Rushmore! 10:15a stopped for gas in Oacoma/Chamberlain, SD. 2:00p we arrived at Mount Rushmore! We stayed there for just over an hour and dropped $100 in their gift shop! Can't wait to send the goodies to those back home! 3:20p we were back on the road headed for Helena, MT. At that point I was still driving in case we were to hit snow in Montana. At that time Neil was going to take over. Either way he would take over in Montana. 4:45p we stopped for gas in Sturgis, SD! It was 65 degrees outside. 7:00p we stopped at a rest area for bathroom breaks and to change Tyler's diaper. At this point we switched drivers and Neil took over. 8:00p we stopped for gas again in Crow Agency, MT. The temperature had dipped significantly to 38 degrees! 11:10p Stopped for gas again in Bozeman, MT. At this point it was 31 degrees outside and snowing!! 1:41a we finally arrived at the Motel 6 in Helena, MT. Temp was 34 degrees!
November 9th: Helena, MT to Fort Lewis, WA
8:00a Set off for our final destination! 9:00a Stopped for gas at Exxon in Helena. 12:25p Entered Idaho and Pacific Time Zone! 31 degrees outside, still was seeing on/off flurries but there was beautiful snowy scenery to look at. Time changed us to 11:25a. 11:55a Stopped for gas at a Chevron in Pinehurst, ID at this point it was 44 degrees. 1:25p Made a pit stop in Spokane, WA to see my friend Lori and two of her four beautiful children! It was so awesome to meet her (she's a Mommy board friend) and of course to get our two February '08 babies together! 3:45p Back on the road headed for Fort Lewis, currently 43 degrees! 7:45 we stopped for gas in Maple Valley, WA. Around 9p we arrived on McChord Air Force Base after MUCH driving around and trying to find out how to get on post. Thankful to be here and ready for sleep!
Well - that was it! I will write more tomorrow about our stay here so far. Now I'm off to play a game with the hubby!
Let me take this moment to go through our driving journal and tell you guys about how we ended up getting here to Washington!
Obviously, we set off from Florida on November 6th. We knew that it was going to take us five days and towards the end of our trip we were going to hit snow of some sort. It was a great ride and we had so much fun. Here goes:
November 6th: Oviedo, FL to Paducah, KY
We set off at 7:25a, right on schedule! We stopped off at Publix to pick up some ice for our cooler. We hit the highway at 7:37a. At 9:09a Neil woke me up (he had taken the first leg of driving) and said 'I think I just got busted speeding.' I look in the side mirror and sure enough there is FHP behind us. I pull out all of our details and hand them to the trooper. She was very nice but Neil was still issued a ticket since she felt (and I completely agree) that he should've been driving more safely with his family in the car. No reason to be mad or anything, I figured one of us would probably get one on the way up there. But by no means did I want it to happen! This was around Gainsville so we pulled over to get gas and switch drivers. At 11:01a we crossed into Georgia. At 2:37p we stopped in Jackson, GA to get gas and to switch drivers again. 4:05p we were in Allatoona, GA when we started to see mountains. It was then that we arranged a slight detour to see Neil's battle buddy, Beaty, in Cleveland, TN. 5:05p we crossed into TN. We stopped for an hour or so to see Beaty and then hit the road again. 8:30p we hit the central time zone. 8:24p we stopped for gas again in Monteagle, TN. 11:40p we crossed into Kentucky! Then finally at 12:55a we arrived at our first hotel, the Days Inn in Paducah, KY! Temperature on arrival was 31 degrees!
November 7th: Paducah, KY to Sioux Falls, SD
8:00a Set off on the road after stopping at BK for breakfast and filling up the tank. 1:42p stopped for gas again while listening to the Bears game on Sirius! Stopped in Nelson, MO. It was a toasty 73 degrees outside! Switched to me driving. 4:50p Crossed the Iowa state line. 6:00p we stooped for gas again and to clean the many dead bugs off of the car. 7:20p crossed into South Dakota. About 50mi before that my car hit 55k! It was 62 degrees outside. 8:30p we arrived at our hotel, Days Inn Sioux Falls, SD.
November 8th: Sioux Falls, SD to Helena, MT
7:45a set off for Mount Rushmore! 10:15a stopped for gas in Oacoma/Chamberlain, SD. 2:00p we arrived at Mount Rushmore! We stayed there for just over an hour and dropped $100 in their gift shop! Can't wait to send the goodies to those back home! 3:20p we were back on the road headed for Helena, MT. At that point I was still driving in case we were to hit snow in Montana. At that time Neil was going to take over. Either way he would take over in Montana. 4:45p we stopped for gas in Sturgis, SD! It was 65 degrees outside. 7:00p we stopped at a rest area for bathroom breaks and to change Tyler's diaper. At this point we switched drivers and Neil took over. 8:00p we stopped for gas again in Crow Agency, MT. The temperature had dipped significantly to 38 degrees! 11:10p Stopped for gas again in Bozeman, MT. At this point it was 31 degrees outside and snowing!! 1:41a we finally arrived at the Motel 6 in Helena, MT. Temp was 34 degrees!
November 9th: Helena, MT to Fort Lewis, WA
8:00a Set off for our final destination! 9:00a Stopped for gas at Exxon in Helena. 12:25p Entered Idaho and Pacific Time Zone! 31 degrees outside, still was seeing on/off flurries but there was beautiful snowy scenery to look at. Time changed us to 11:25a. 11:55a Stopped for gas at a Chevron in Pinehurst, ID at this point it was 44 degrees. 1:25p Made a pit stop in Spokane, WA to see my friend Lori and two of her four beautiful children! It was so awesome to meet her (she's a Mommy board friend) and of course to get our two February '08 babies together! 3:45p Back on the road headed for Fort Lewis, currently 43 degrees! 7:45 we stopped for gas in Maple Valley, WA. Around 9p we arrived on McChord Air Force Base after MUCH driving around and trying to find out how to get on post. Thankful to be here and ready for sleep!
Well - that was it! I will write more tomorrow about our stay here so far. Now I'm off to play a game with the hubby!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I'm getting him back!
I feel reserved celebrating openly about getting my soldier back. While I have had some very pleasant experiences with fellow Army/military wives there are a few bad apples amongst the bunch. Including some who have condemned me for being excited about getting my soldier back after 'only' training when some still have lengthy amounts of time left until they see their deployed soldiers.
I don't place myself above anyone else or think that my situation requires any special attention but I don't see why I shouldn't be excited about getting MY soldier back. Every night that I go to bed I pray for every service man and woman who serves this great country and the spouses/family that they leave behind. My husband is important to me and amongst the top of my prayer list. Him finally leaving training means that he is ready to be deployed. At any time. I have no more guarantees and I get only limited time.
I'm thankful that he is finally coming home to spend some time with our family and to move to his first duty station. The Army makes no promises of time that I get with him from here on out so I beg your forgiveness if you're offended by my excitement about being given some time with him before we find out what his chances of deployment are/will be.
He is my soul mate. Without him, life would lose so much of it's meaning. I'm thankful for every moment that God gives me in this life with him. Some people have told me that these women are only bitter but I don't think that at all. I know what it's like to miss your husband and I know the fear in me just thinking about him being deployed. I hold no ill will against anyone and I'm thankful for those that have served, will serve and are serving right now. My husband IS amongst those.
I'll NEVER show anyone else disrespect when it comes to our soldiers, I just expect the same in return.
I am looking forward to getting my husband back tomorrow and I will be eagerly waiting and watching that arrivals board to see that he has finally landed and come back home to me and our son! Less than 24hrs and I'll be falling into those deep blue eyes of his.....
I don't place myself above anyone else or think that my situation requires any special attention but I don't see why I shouldn't be excited about getting MY soldier back. Every night that I go to bed I pray for every service man and woman who serves this great country and the spouses/family that they leave behind. My husband is important to me and amongst the top of my prayer list. Him finally leaving training means that he is ready to be deployed. At any time. I have no more guarantees and I get only limited time.
I'm thankful that he is finally coming home to spend some time with our family and to move to his first duty station. The Army makes no promises of time that I get with him from here on out so I beg your forgiveness if you're offended by my excitement about being given some time with him before we find out what his chances of deployment are/will be.
He is my soul mate. Without him, life would lose so much of it's meaning. I'm thankful for every moment that God gives me in this life with him. Some people have told me that these women are only bitter but I don't think that at all. I know what it's like to miss your husband and I know the fear in me just thinking about him being deployed. I hold no ill will against anyone and I'm thankful for those that have served, will serve and are serving right now. My husband IS amongst those.
I'll NEVER show anyone else disrespect when it comes to our soldiers, I just expect the same in return.
I am looking forward to getting my husband back tomorrow and I will be eagerly waiting and watching that arrivals board to see that he has finally landed and come back home to me and our son! Less than 24hrs and I'll be falling into those deep blue eyes of his.....
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
And then there are times when it's just not worth it....
Bitch.
I've been called that a fair few times. Sometimes I thought 'Wow. I really must be a piece of work' but I've put some thought into it while I've been separated from my husband and the quiet of my room while my toddler sleeps. If I am being labeled a bitch does it make me one because I protect my family? Because I stand up for the things I believe in? Because I won't let people talk badly about my husband and the choices that we've made as a family?
Because people feel the need to attack us, I have my guard up. It is no one's business what my husband chooses to do. For five years we've had lengthy talks of where our careers would take us and Neil did the best he could as a civilian once we moved to the US together but the Army has opened doors for us that we never dreamed imaginable. My husband is a born soldier. His mind works differently than my own and though I can not often wrap my mind around the things that he does and likes, I would never oppose him seeking out the things that made him happy. His happiness means the world to me.
To those critics reading and those who have voiced their opinions in the past, feel free to leave your unwanted criticisms at the door. Neil may be many things but the one thing he will never be is careless. The Army is providing him training and the tools for survival and I don't expect others to understand why he does this or to question this! He knows that he has a young family at home who loves him and he knows the risks out there but that is what is making him stand head and shoulders above the rest. He is taking all of his training in and learning how to apply it to real life situations. He is already taking his job very seriously and in the back of his mind is Tyler and I. I have faith in the Army that they're training him well.
But I digress. I am not a bitch, I stand up for my family and if, to you, that makes me a bitch than perhaps you need to do some evaluating on yourself. I would give my life for my son and my husband without a second thought and Neil is doing the same for us. Another quote that really speaks to me says: "My husband doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him, he fights because he loves what is behind him." This is his country now. He is an American Citizen, an American Soldier. He doesn't take the Oath of Enlistment or the Citizenship Oath lightly. He wants to do all that he can to keep our nation safe.
This is why I don't feel like we need the people in our lives who put him down for his career choices. He doesn't come to your office and yell at you for sitting on your ass all day! Instead, he is willing to fight so you can have that freedom! The sad part is, some of these people are supposed to be his 'family'. There has been everything from a lack of support to coming right out and saying that they don't agree with it. When you talk about my husband behind his back to me, don't think that it stays there long. As soon as I have a moment to sit down with him, I tell him everything. We harbor no secrets. So next time you try to blow sunshine up his ass and tell him how proud you are of him just be well aware that he already knows the truth.
In the coming months and years we will find out who really deserves to be in our lives. I have a feeling I can already count about 10 people who will be quickly dropped from our lives and it won't come as a surprise when it happens. Some people you just don't get along with and it's nothing personal. It really is just conflicting personalities. I've tried a lot and mostly in vain. The people who are two-faced always continue to be two-faced. I can firmly say that no one likes people that are two-faced and everyone knows that you are, no matter how much you may try to hide it. People act like they like you only hoping to not get on your bad side but they know you can never be trusted. It's sad really. You will never be truly happy because you are too busy trying to make yourself look better to others.
There are people who come into our lives and you know that they are meant to be there. You know that God brought them into your life for a reason and then there are times when it's just not worth it....
I've been called that a fair few times. Sometimes I thought 'Wow. I really must be a piece of work' but I've put some thought into it while I've been separated from my husband and the quiet of my room while my toddler sleeps. If I am being labeled a bitch does it make me one because I protect my family? Because I stand up for the things I believe in? Because I won't let people talk badly about my husband and the choices that we've made as a family?
Because people feel the need to attack us, I have my guard up. It is no one's business what my husband chooses to do. For five years we've had lengthy talks of where our careers would take us and Neil did the best he could as a civilian once we moved to the US together but the Army has opened doors for us that we never dreamed imaginable. My husband is a born soldier. His mind works differently than my own and though I can not often wrap my mind around the things that he does and likes, I would never oppose him seeking out the things that made him happy. His happiness means the world to me.
To those critics reading and those who have voiced their opinions in the past, feel free to leave your unwanted criticisms at the door. Neil may be many things but the one thing he will never be is careless. The Army is providing him training and the tools for survival and I don't expect others to understand why he does this or to question this! He knows that he has a young family at home who loves him and he knows the risks out there but that is what is making him stand head and shoulders above the rest. He is taking all of his training in and learning how to apply it to real life situations. He is already taking his job very seriously and in the back of his mind is Tyler and I. I have faith in the Army that they're training him well.
But I digress. I am not a bitch, I stand up for my family and if, to you, that makes me a bitch than perhaps you need to do some evaluating on yourself. I would give my life for my son and my husband without a second thought and Neil is doing the same for us. Another quote that really speaks to me says: "My husband doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him, he fights because he loves what is behind him." This is his country now. He is an American Citizen, an American Soldier. He doesn't take the Oath of Enlistment or the Citizenship Oath lightly. He wants to do all that he can to keep our nation safe.
This is why I don't feel like we need the people in our lives who put him down for his career choices. He doesn't come to your office and yell at you for sitting on your ass all day! Instead, he is willing to fight so you can have that freedom! The sad part is, some of these people are supposed to be his 'family'. There has been everything from a lack of support to coming right out and saying that they don't agree with it. When you talk about my husband behind his back to me, don't think that it stays there long. As soon as I have a moment to sit down with him, I tell him everything. We harbor no secrets. So next time you try to blow sunshine up his ass and tell him how proud you are of him just be well aware that he already knows the truth.
In the coming months and years we will find out who really deserves to be in our lives. I have a feeling I can already count about 10 people who will be quickly dropped from our lives and it won't come as a surprise when it happens. Some people you just don't get along with and it's nothing personal. It really is just conflicting personalities. I've tried a lot and mostly in vain. The people who are two-faced always continue to be two-faced. I can firmly say that no one likes people that are two-faced and everyone knows that you are, no matter how much you may try to hide it. People act like they like you only hoping to not get on your bad side but they know you can never be trusted. It's sad really. You will never be truly happy because you are too busy trying to make yourself look better to others.
There are people who come into our lives and you know that they are meant to be there. You know that God brought them into your life for a reason and then there are times when it's just not worth it....
Saturday, September 25, 2010
In love with an American Soldier....
With Neil being gone it has allowed me a lot of time to reflect on our relationship. While we've known each other for about eight years, of those eight years we've only been married six. Sometimes, it feels like we've been married 20! In our 'short' marriage we have gone through a lot. God has tested us time and time again and at the end of it all we're still together!
I think the things we have gone through have prepared us to be a military family. We're no strangers to distance. We've lived 1400 miles and an ocean apart before. I think that knowledge is what leaves no doubt that God exists in my mind. How could He not have a hand in us being together? Of all the people I met on my journey's to England all of them were driving me south to where he lived. I had long given up on finding 'the one' when he and I met. He was persistent on me dating him but I was living back in the U.S. then and I wasn't interested in doing this international dating again. Not only was it expensive but it was heartbreaking. Too many long goodbyes said in airports, tears streaming down my cheeks and the lonely walk to the plane by myself. For some reason, he was worth it all.
We know what he signed up for. We aren't delusional in thinking that he won't be deployed at some point, we know he joined up in a time of war. We're entirely aware of the choices that he has made. I believe that the Army trains their soldiers well. I don't think that they would send them into battle thinking that they weren't prepared or that they had not done all they could to prepare them. This is Neil's second go round in an Army, albeit first time in the US Army. He is a born leader. Something in him makes him WANT to be a soldier. I never thought I would be a full-time Army wife but his happiness is something that I could not push aside. He likes long runs, good PT sessions, playing with guns/cannons and mentoring other soldiers. How could I not be proud of him?
Seeing Neil with all of the other recruits that he started BCT with was something I'm not likely to forget. They had all changed, matured...even Neil! For the most part he stayed the same but when he saw us there was pride in his eyes. He was happy that we were there to support him and proud to show us all off. I was whisked between soldiers and Drill Sergeants and meeting everyone in between. Seeing him become a citizen and pinning his PFC pin on him were things I was all too happy to be apart of!
That time was over all too soon. Sunday rolled around quicker than I cared for and we were standing in the parking lot in front of his new unit with tears in our eyes. When he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest I could feel myself collapse from the inside out. It felt like my heart had given out and the sobbing was uncontrollable. I pulled away to look at his face and saw tears streaming down his face. In that moment I realized we were feeling the same thing, he was going to miss me just as much. I buried my face in his chest again and continued to cry. Every once in awhile I felt light kisses on the top of my head and a soothing rub on my back from his hand. We kissed once more and he grabbed his bags, told me he loved me and he would see me soon and started to walk off. We held hands until they were broke by the distance and I got in the car and cried. I couldn't watch him walk away. I cried for a few minutes and when I thought he was likely gone, we drove off.
I can still recall that pain in my heart as I write this. He really is my everything. I don't know how I would live or breathe without him. I hope they are things I never have to try and do. The thought of him being gone for good brings tears to my eyes now, I could only imagine what it would feel like if it were real. I pray that he is never taken from me but I know that a lot of military wives have made those prayers before and not all of them were answered. He is willing to give his life for this country. He is willing to give his life for all that he believes in.
I'm proud of him. My husband, my soldier. He doesn't need to wear a cape to be our hero. Wearing combat boots is enough. He most likely will never make it into the headlines or be on the front of the newspaper for all the good he will do but I will know. His son will know. Joining up in a time of war makes him braver than most people I know. I am proud to be his wife, even before he was a soldier I knew he was destined for great things. God called him to be a soldier and he has answered the call.
On Neil's facebook page is a quote from the Toby Keith song 'American Soldier'. This is is a song that touches both of our hearts and fills us with pride to the point of tears when we hear it. The quote reads: "I will always do my duty, no matter what the price. I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice. I don't want to die for you but if dying's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with honor cause freedom don't come free."
American Soldier - Toby Keith
I think the things we have gone through have prepared us to be a military family. We're no strangers to distance. We've lived 1400 miles and an ocean apart before. I think that knowledge is what leaves no doubt that God exists in my mind. How could He not have a hand in us being together? Of all the people I met on my journey's to England all of them were driving me south to where he lived. I had long given up on finding 'the one' when he and I met. He was persistent on me dating him but I was living back in the U.S. then and I wasn't interested in doing this international dating again. Not only was it expensive but it was heartbreaking. Too many long goodbyes said in airports, tears streaming down my cheeks and the lonely walk to the plane by myself. For some reason, he was worth it all.
We know what he signed up for. We aren't delusional in thinking that he won't be deployed at some point, we know he joined up in a time of war. We're entirely aware of the choices that he has made. I believe that the Army trains their soldiers well. I don't think that they would send them into battle thinking that they weren't prepared or that they had not done all they could to prepare them. This is Neil's second go round in an Army, albeit first time in the US Army. He is a born leader. Something in him makes him WANT to be a soldier. I never thought I would be a full-time Army wife but his happiness is something that I could not push aside. He likes long runs, good PT sessions, playing with guns/cannons and mentoring other soldiers. How could I not be proud of him?
Seeing Neil with all of the other recruits that he started BCT with was something I'm not likely to forget. They had all changed, matured...even Neil! For the most part he stayed the same but when he saw us there was pride in his eyes. He was happy that we were there to support him and proud to show us all off. I was whisked between soldiers and Drill Sergeants and meeting everyone in between. Seeing him become a citizen and pinning his PFC pin on him were things I was all too happy to be apart of!
That time was over all too soon. Sunday rolled around quicker than I cared for and we were standing in the parking lot in front of his new unit with tears in our eyes. When he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest I could feel myself collapse from the inside out. It felt like my heart had given out and the sobbing was uncontrollable. I pulled away to look at his face and saw tears streaming down his face. In that moment I realized we were feeling the same thing, he was going to miss me just as much. I buried my face in his chest again and continued to cry. Every once in awhile I felt light kisses on the top of my head and a soothing rub on my back from his hand. We kissed once more and he grabbed his bags, told me he loved me and he would see me soon and started to walk off. We held hands until they were broke by the distance and I got in the car and cried. I couldn't watch him walk away. I cried for a few minutes and when I thought he was likely gone, we drove off.
I can still recall that pain in my heart as I write this. He really is my everything. I don't know how I would live or breathe without him. I hope they are things I never have to try and do. The thought of him being gone for good brings tears to my eyes now, I could only imagine what it would feel like if it were real. I pray that he is never taken from me but I know that a lot of military wives have made those prayers before and not all of them were answered. He is willing to give his life for this country. He is willing to give his life for all that he believes in.
I'm proud of him. My husband, my soldier. He doesn't need to wear a cape to be our hero. Wearing combat boots is enough. He most likely will never make it into the headlines or be on the front of the newspaper for all the good he will do but I will know. His son will know. Joining up in a time of war makes him braver than most people I know. I am proud to be his wife, even before he was a soldier I knew he was destined for great things. God called him to be a soldier and he has answered the call.
On Neil's facebook page is a quote from the Toby Keith song 'American Soldier'. This is is a song that touches both of our hearts and fills us with pride to the point of tears when we hear it. The quote reads: "I will always do my duty, no matter what the price. I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice. I don't want to die for you but if dying's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with honor cause freedom don't come free."
American Soldier - Toby Keith
Thursday, August 26, 2010
This is where the healing begins....
I was touched by this song today. It actually gets to me every time I hear it and Tenth Avenue North is definitely becoming one of my favorite Christian bands but I think this song may help a lot of people. We all face trials in our every day lives but breaking down those walls and confessing your sins is really where the healing begins.
It doesn't matter how much you have or don't have. If friends judge you on that then they are not friends at all. Neil and I have gone through a lot in the last few years and we really learned who our friends were and weren't. The people who couldn't get their heads around us going through financial hardship and both Neil and I losing our jobs almost simultaneously, having to move back in with my parents and selling our beloved brand new Dodge Charger were the people that we could do without and we trimmed that fat in our lives.
I never thought that I would be in a position of having to justify myself to people. Neil used to tell me all the time that I didn't need to answer to anyone but myself. I felt ashamed that we were going through rough times with a baby on the way. It didn't help when friends would look down their noses at me. I thanked God every day though that my parents were able to take us in. Had it not been for them...I shudder to think where we would've ended up.
As for the Army, I am not upset one bit about Neil wanting to join and this is a decision that we entered into together. A lot of discussion went into it. As a matter of fact, 5 years of discussing went into it. We're just thankful that Neil has the opportunity to do something that he truly loves. He was upset when he had to leave the Territorial Army back in England for us to move back to the States. I will always be proud of and faithful to him.
It doesn't matter what I have or don't have. I have the love of my husband, son, parents, sister, in-laws, my savior - Jesus Christ and the Great Father Almighty. Those are the only people I will answer to.
This is where the healing begins....
Healing Begins - Tenth Avenue North
It doesn't matter how much you have or don't have. If friends judge you on that then they are not friends at all. Neil and I have gone through a lot in the last few years and we really learned who our friends were and weren't. The people who couldn't get their heads around us going through financial hardship and both Neil and I losing our jobs almost simultaneously, having to move back in with my parents and selling our beloved brand new Dodge Charger were the people that we could do without and we trimmed that fat in our lives.
I never thought that I would be in a position of having to justify myself to people. Neil used to tell me all the time that I didn't need to answer to anyone but myself. I felt ashamed that we were going through rough times with a baby on the way. It didn't help when friends would look down their noses at me. I thanked God every day though that my parents were able to take us in. Had it not been for them...I shudder to think where we would've ended up.
As for the Army, I am not upset one bit about Neil wanting to join and this is a decision that we entered into together. A lot of discussion went into it. As a matter of fact, 5 years of discussing went into it. We're just thankful that Neil has the opportunity to do something that he truly loves. He was upset when he had to leave the Territorial Army back in England for us to move back to the States. I will always be proud of and faithful to him.
It doesn't matter what I have or don't have. I have the love of my husband, son, parents, sister, in-laws, my savior - Jesus Christ and the Great Father Almighty. Those are the only people I will answer to.
This is where the healing begins....
Healing Begins - Tenth Avenue North
Friday, August 13, 2010
I was born for this...
As I was relaxing in the shower (I know, just the visual you wanted) and I was thinking about how well (I think) I'm coping with Neil being gone. I twisted the Army bracelet back and forth on my wrist while I stared at the words 'Army Strong'. I began to smile to myself as I realized what those words really meant to me.
I thought back to meeting Neil and going over in my head how good I am at waiting patiently for something to happen. It took awhile to get things in order to go over and meet Neil for the first time. Throw on top of that the fact that we were planning out trips around the UK and a wedding. I had to apply for a visitors visa before I went with all the post 9/11 craziness. Once I get there we run all over the country and then we're separated again. I head back to the US, alone, to obtain my spousal visa to move back to the UK. Another two months we were apart and LOTS of paperwork. Finally make it back to be with him and we decide to move back to the US. We spend 11 months in the visa process with endless amounts of paperwork back and forth between the US and England. Side note: It took me TWO WEEKS to obtain a spousal visa to move to the UK. It took Neil ONE YEAR to get his visa.
Once we move back to the US Neil had two years that he wasn't allowed to leave the country and then we had to apply for his Permanent Resident card. Thank you, US Government! Exactly what I wanted! More paperwork!! Easy, we get it done and Neil is done and dusted for TEN YEARS! Or so we thought....
My dear, sweet, precious hubby decides that he wants to be in the US Army. The first thing I thought was 'What?!' the second thought 'I wonder how much paperwork is involved in that?'. You see where my thoughts go. But I patiently research everything for him while he goes and visits the recruiters and finds out what it's going to take for him to join the Army. He starts losing weight and I research myself to death finding the ins and outs of the whole process. My first hurdle; getting Neil's credentials from his schooling in the UK converted to the US equivalent. Where does one start? More research! Because the Army has an overflow of people wanting to join right now they don't feel the need to do anything like pay for the conversion of credentials. We find a company to do it I pay for them to expedite it there is NOTHING speedy about their process but they refuse to refund me anything. Give me my stuff back and let me go!
We give everything to the recruiter and the process seemed to gain wings from there. It all went quite quick. He kept losing weight and the waiting and countdowns continued until the day he left. I'm just very good at waiting and paperwork AND countdowns! This is something that I am not ashamed of. I think all that we have been through has prepared me for becoming an Army wife. Neil and I have done transatlantic moving twice, moved house four times so moving from post to post should be no problem at all.
We have been through SO much, we couldn't be more prepared for this process. Me specifically. I am just so used to doing a lot of moving and paperwork, I was made for the Army LOL!
I really am thankful for all that God has given me and I can't believe that we're doing this Army thing again. I only did it for a short time in England and he was only part time there but it was still crazy dealing with his training schedules etc. I love that man though, there is no doubt about that and I'm doing my best to pick up the slack and help where I can since I stay at home with the toddler right now. I'm looking forward to what God has in store for us next but whatever it is it will be Neil and I all the way!
I thought that I needed to bring this diary up to present time so I could have somewhere to write. I hope to be able to go back and write about how we got here later on but I definitely need this now!
I thought back to meeting Neil and going over in my head how good I am at waiting patiently for something to happen. It took awhile to get things in order to go over and meet Neil for the first time. Throw on top of that the fact that we were planning out trips around the UK and a wedding. I had to apply for a visitors visa before I went with all the post 9/11 craziness. Once I get there we run all over the country and then we're separated again. I head back to the US, alone, to obtain my spousal visa to move back to the UK. Another two months we were apart and LOTS of paperwork. Finally make it back to be with him and we decide to move back to the US. We spend 11 months in the visa process with endless amounts of paperwork back and forth between the US and England. Side note: It took me TWO WEEKS to obtain a spousal visa to move to the UK. It took Neil ONE YEAR to get his visa.
Once we move back to the US Neil had two years that he wasn't allowed to leave the country and then we had to apply for his Permanent Resident card. Thank you, US Government! Exactly what I wanted! More paperwork!! Easy, we get it done and Neil is done and dusted for TEN YEARS! Or so we thought....
My dear, sweet, precious hubby decides that he wants to be in the US Army. The first thing I thought was 'What?!' the second thought 'I wonder how much paperwork is involved in that?'. You see where my thoughts go. But I patiently research everything for him while he goes and visits the recruiters and finds out what it's going to take for him to join the Army. He starts losing weight and I research myself to death finding the ins and outs of the whole process. My first hurdle; getting Neil's credentials from his schooling in the UK converted to the US equivalent. Where does one start? More research! Because the Army has an overflow of people wanting to join right now they don't feel the need to do anything like pay for the conversion of credentials. We find a company to do it I pay for them to expedite it there is NOTHING speedy about their process but they refuse to refund me anything. Give me my stuff back and let me go!
We give everything to the recruiter and the process seemed to gain wings from there. It all went quite quick. He kept losing weight and the waiting and countdowns continued until the day he left. I'm just very good at waiting and paperwork AND countdowns! This is something that I am not ashamed of. I think all that we have been through has prepared me for becoming an Army wife. Neil and I have done transatlantic moving twice, moved house four times so moving from post to post should be no problem at all.
We have been through SO much, we couldn't be more prepared for this process. Me specifically. I am just so used to doing a lot of moving and paperwork, I was made for the Army LOL!
I really am thankful for all that God has given me and I can't believe that we're doing this Army thing again. I only did it for a short time in England and he was only part time there but it was still crazy dealing with his training schedules etc. I love that man though, there is no doubt about that and I'm doing my best to pick up the slack and help where I can since I stay at home with the toddler right now. I'm looking forward to what God has in store for us next but whatever it is it will be Neil and I all the way!
I thought that I needed to bring this diary up to present time so I could have somewhere to write. I hope to be able to go back and write about how we got here later on but I definitely need this now!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Decision...
The decision wasn't easy to come by. We struggled a lot, mentally and emotionally, on whether or not to return to The States to live.
I've always longed to live in England and while the cost of living was higher than I was used to, I couldn't sacrifice all of that beautiful history that was right in my own back yard!
So many things had happened that led me to the decision to come back home. My Mother had a couple of medical issues that arose and I am so close to her that I couldn't imagine being there for her in her time of need. It broke my heart when both her and my Father were diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and I couldn't be there to help them through those first few weeks/months of coping with the disease. My Mother-in-law, who also suffers from Type 2, gave me a lot of guidance about what they were going through and it prepared me a little to be supportive for them albeit over the phone and web.
Neil is one of those husbands who can be self-sacrificing. If it comes down to it he would rather that I be happy above his happiness. We talked at length about the pros and cons of moving back to my 'home'. It was a hard decision to make but we ultimately decided we would have better opportunities living here.
During the 11 month process of jumping through all of the hoops that the government laid out for us we took advantage of all the things that we would miss in England. We visited a lot of castles, saw a lot of sites and spent Neil's days off adventuring instead of sitting still. We did so much in that time but nothing would prepare us for how heart-breaking it would be to kiss my in-laws goodbye and get on a plane not knowing when we would all see each other again.
But on November 7, 2005 we found ourselves boarding a plane heading back to Florida. After all of the 'hurry up and wait' that we had gone through with the government for the last 11 months, it seemed surreal to finally have his visa and be headed to start over again in Florida!
I've always longed to live in England and while the cost of living was higher than I was used to, I couldn't sacrifice all of that beautiful history that was right in my own back yard!
So many things had happened that led me to the decision to come back home. My Mother had a couple of medical issues that arose and I am so close to her that I couldn't imagine being there for her in her time of need. It broke my heart when both her and my Father were diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and I couldn't be there to help them through those first few weeks/months of coping with the disease. My Mother-in-law, who also suffers from Type 2, gave me a lot of guidance about what they were going through and it prepared me a little to be supportive for them albeit over the phone and web.
Neil is one of those husbands who can be self-sacrificing. If it comes down to it he would rather that I be happy above his happiness. We talked at length about the pros and cons of moving back to my 'home'. It was a hard decision to make but we ultimately decided we would have better opportunities living here.
During the 11 month process of jumping through all of the hoops that the government laid out for us we took advantage of all the things that we would miss in England. We visited a lot of castles, saw a lot of sites and spent Neil's days off adventuring instead of sitting still. We did so much in that time but nothing would prepare us for how heart-breaking it would be to kiss my in-laws goodbye and get on a plane not knowing when we would all see each other again.
But on November 7, 2005 we found ourselves boarding a plane heading back to Florida. After all of the 'hurry up and wait' that we had gone through with the government for the last 11 months, it seemed surreal to finally have his visa and be headed to start over again in Florida!
Monday, February 22, 2010
The loss....
In April 2005, Neil and I found out that we were expecting our first child. We were so torn emotionally. We were right in the middle of trying to secure a visa for Neil to live in the US with me but we were still living in England. We had no idea what we were going to do so we decided that we were going to stay until the baby was born and we would continue through the process.
On May 24, 2005 I woke up with hard cramps at 3a. I didn't think too much of it at the time as I was hoping that it would just be baby snuggling in. I woke up on time for work and noticed some brown spotting. Worried, I called my GP who told me to go straight to Frenchay Hospital and he would meet me there. I went in and they took me through A&E and set me up in my own room. I called Neil because I was scared but he couldn't leave work so I promised I would keep him informed.
My doctor showed up finally and did an ultrasound and there was my baby! The first time I saw the heart beat. The doctor was concerned that the heart beat wasn't very strong but said that everything looked good, my cervix was closed etc. but he ordered me home on bed rest.
May 25, 2005 - the day we'll never forget. I was in the bathroom, one of my routine visits of the day and I had a shock go through my whole abdomen that had me doubled over on the floor. I crawled back to bed and laid there until it went away. Once the pain had subsided I got up and went to the bathroom again. I was mortified to see bright red blood. The pain in my abdomen came back and I crawled from the bathroom back to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, I called my GP who told me to go back to A&E then I called Neil. He said he would try to get out but to go straight to the hospital.
The doctor met me there and helped me from the car back to the room. He did an ultrasound, this time...the heartbeat was so faint that it was barely noticeable. He checked my cervix and frowned. I started to cry. He told me that my cervix was fully dilated. I cried harder. He explained to me what to expect over the coming days and told me to come back in a week for a check up.
A week later I went to the GP's office, he checked me again and noticed that I was still bleeding. Guess where we were headed? Back to A&E. Another ultrasound revealed that the sac was still attached to my uterus. He told me we were going to have to do a D&C. I cried and he explained to me that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore and this was necessary. I went ahead with the procedure. I cried the whole time, his nurse was very nice and held my hand. He asked me if I wanted to see the baby, I knew it would be too much and said no. Even though I was only 9wks at the time he told me that upon first look nothing looked abnormal. He said he would send the fetus for testing to make sure that it was nothing genetic. After the procedure was over he sent me on my way.
I cried on and off for the next week. The GP called me to tell me that there were no genetic abnormalities and that he believes it was just a spontaneous miscarriage. It seemed harder on me to not even have an answer but I knew that my baby was in Heaven. That was all that mattered!
It would be be three long years until we would try again....
On May 24, 2005 I woke up with hard cramps at 3a. I didn't think too much of it at the time as I was hoping that it would just be baby snuggling in. I woke up on time for work and noticed some brown spotting. Worried, I called my GP who told me to go straight to Frenchay Hospital and he would meet me there. I went in and they took me through A&E and set me up in my own room. I called Neil because I was scared but he couldn't leave work so I promised I would keep him informed.
My doctor showed up finally and did an ultrasound and there was my baby! The first time I saw the heart beat. The doctor was concerned that the heart beat wasn't very strong but said that everything looked good, my cervix was closed etc. but he ordered me home on bed rest.
May 25, 2005 - the day we'll never forget. I was in the bathroom, one of my routine visits of the day and I had a shock go through my whole abdomen that had me doubled over on the floor. I crawled back to bed and laid there until it went away. Once the pain had subsided I got up and went to the bathroom again. I was mortified to see bright red blood. The pain in my abdomen came back and I crawled from the bathroom back to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, I called my GP who told me to go back to A&E then I called Neil. He said he would try to get out but to go straight to the hospital.
The doctor met me there and helped me from the car back to the room. He did an ultrasound, this time...the heartbeat was so faint that it was barely noticeable. He checked my cervix and frowned. I started to cry. He told me that my cervix was fully dilated. I cried harder. He explained to me what to expect over the coming days and told me to come back in a week for a check up.
A week later I went to the GP's office, he checked me again and noticed that I was still bleeding. Guess where we were headed? Back to A&E. Another ultrasound revealed that the sac was still attached to my uterus. He told me we were going to have to do a D&C. I cried and he explained to me that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore and this was necessary. I went ahead with the procedure. I cried the whole time, his nurse was very nice and held my hand. He asked me if I wanted to see the baby, I knew it would be too much and said no. Even though I was only 9wks at the time he told me that upon first look nothing looked abnormal. He said he would send the fetus for testing to make sure that it was nothing genetic. After the procedure was over he sent me on my way.
I cried on and off for the next week. The GP called me to tell me that there were no genetic abnormalities and that he believes it was just a spontaneous miscarriage. It seemed harder on me to not even have an answer but I knew that my baby was in Heaven. That was all that mattered!
It would be be three long years until we would try again....
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Wedding...
We traveled from Bristol where I was staying with him and his family to London, Nottingham, Middlesbrough and then Carlisle. We stayed in Carlisle which was just outside where we were getting married.
We were very lucky when we got to the hotel that, since we were having flowers delivered there, they knew we were getting married so they upgraded us to the honeymoon suite at no extra charge. It was beautiful! A few of our friends from around Scotland and England traveled to see us get married. It was mostly just our online friends who had witnessed our relationship develop and Neil's best friend, Luke, who was also our Best Man!
We married on June 30th, 2004 at 1:30p GMT in Gretna Green, Scotland inside of The Blacksmiths Cottage. There is so much history tied up in Gretna Green that it almost seemed fitting for us to marry somewhere so historical. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about Gretna Green. It has secret compartments in the walls where the Priests and other staff would hide the runaways who wanted to get married incase if their parents showed up trying to stop the wedding. It was amazing to know that we were sharing that area with so many other people who came before us and were incredibly in love, like us.
Although we would've loved for our families to be there we were blessed that we had friends by our sides who could witness our marriage that day.
We hope to take Tyler there someday to show him where his Mommy and Daddy started their life of commitment to each other off at, I hope he will be as in awe of the history as we were.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The First Meeting....
I flew to England on June 22, 2004. The whole flight I was a nervous wreck. I always take overnight flights there so I had a lot of time to think while I should've been doing a lot of sleeping. I listened to a lot of CD's and wrote a lot and finally they were turning the cabin lights back on and serving us 'breakfast'. I was too nervous to eat so I asked for another pop to keep me awake. The stewardess was kind, I kept looking at pictures of Neil and she asked to see it and so I showed it to her and she said 'Gorgeous bloke' my heart just fluttered all the more to know that soon that 'bloke' was going to be my husband!
The plane landed and we all started shifting to get our things organized to get off the plane. I love the rush of emotions in the cabin when you're about to disembark. Some people coming home, some people on vacation, some there for business and a few, like me, meeting someone from the internet for the first time. I took, what I always consider, the walk of shame to customs. This is where you have to try and not look guilty. I answered all of there questions, showed them my return trip itinerary and just as I was about to be handed my passport the dreaded question came 'Oh, you're not planning to get married in England on this trip are you?'. Without even missing a beat I replied with a smile 'Nope!' and off I went, cleared passport in hand! Worry not though, I didn't lie to the customs agent. They need to phrase their questions better. It should've been said 'Oh, you're not planning to get married in the UK on this trip are you?' because TECHNICALLY I was married in Scotland, not England!
I went to get a cart to put my luggage on. This was the part I hated the most. As many times as I have flown into Gatwick I hate getting those carts and putting ALL my luggage on there myself and then trying to find a way to maneuver it through the crowds when the wheels ALWAYS seem to have a mind of their own. But I got it and kept my eye on the door that everyone was headed through. Slowly my luggage started to come until I had all the pieces. I made my way to the door and it opened. The long white corridor seemed to stretch on forever and between the people I could see the crowd gathered waiting to greet their loved ones. My eyes dart around but I see dozens of faces. I break through the corridor and I hear him 'Missy!' my heart hit the floor, I was finally going to see him without the aid of the PC. I turned around and he was hoping over the barrier and running towards me, I froze...a huge smile on my face. He grabbed me up in his arms and said 'It's SO good to see you' I said 'You too' he smiled back down at me and then we kissed. It felt like an eternity and yet I felt like I was going to melt into a pool of Missy on the floor. He pulled away and looked in my eyes again and said 'I can't believe you're here, I love you!' my heart skipped beats, probably because I wasn't breathing I said to him 'I love you too!'.
We finally stopped starring at each other long enough to start walking to the car. We got through all of the usual questions 'How was the flight?' 'How was your drive?' 'Crappy weather'. All the usual. We started to drive back to Bristol, where he lived. I loved the drive through London and the rolling country side as we got further from the city. Finally, we started to get to areas I recognized. Places from our many conversations that rang bells. We pulled in to Yate, the town he lived in, and it all seemed so familiar. Like we had driven these ways before. I had seen the road outside of his house SO many times. He would show me through the web cam the pouring down the rain, the falling snow and just a beautiful English summers day.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The beginning....
There are very few moments that stick out in my mind but the day I met my future husband is a day I will never forget.
We met on the internet, as most people know, the story behind 'how' might be something not all know the intimate details of.
Neil had recently moved back to his parents house after a very nasty break up that had left him pretty much stranded in the middle of nowhere with no one who cared about him. I had just broke up with someone that I was engaged to but realized I couldn't see more from our future then a few months at a time but never years. I had a nagging ex-boyfriend in the background who would constantly vie for my attention but ultimately I wasn't even the person that he wanted to be with.
We were both at a crossroads in our lives and we found one another in a chat room where we realized we were both pretty down. We took the conversation over to MSN and we started to comfort each other. He became someone I would rely on and look for to tell my day to or to rant about the latest goings on. He was amazing and would listen intently and offer his advice.
He wanted to see me as something more, something permanent. I couldn't even fathom being in a relationship right then let alone a long distance relationship. We would chat every day...on the phone, on the internet, via webcam. Whatever means we could communicate, we would do it. Not a day would go by though where he wouldn't ask me if I would be his girlfriend. My heart ached to say yes but my brain told me to say no.
Years had gone by before I knew it and he was preparing to be the best man at his brother's wedding. He reflected on his feelings for me a lot in the lead up to it and I couldn't help but feel the urge to want to be at his side. Not only in this time that was making him nervous but as his wife for a life time. I finally agreed to be his girlfriend and we started the plans to meet up in person finally.
Neil was a very dedicated soldier and was in training to become a para-trooper for the Territorial Army. He had to go for a guns course that took him away from home and away from the PC. It was the hardest time for us. He would call me crying that he missed me and he told me over the phone that he needed me to be his wife, forever. He wanted to be with me forever. He was choosing me. Someone actually wanted me above everyone else.
Our plans quickly turned from me taking a trip up there to meet him for the first time to me meeting him for the first time and becoming Mrs Neil Humphreys all in one trip.
We had spent so many years being everything to each other already and it felt like the right time to commit our lives to each other permanently.
Everyone thinks of our courtship as a 'whirlwind romance' but it's quite the opposite. Sure we spent only six months engaged to each other and we had not met face to face. But I knew him and he knew me better than some people I know who have been married for 20+yrs. When all you have are your words to express and each moment of your day is spent, not in silence, but in conveying in words your every feeling you begin to learn the inner workings of each other. And we were doing that for over two years before we married!
I was eagerly awaiting June, how cliche to be a June bride but it wasn't so much the month that mattered as WHO I was marrying that mattered. It could have been the middle of December in a frozen tundra and I would've been there in a sun dress if that was all I had. Nothing was going to stop me from spending my life with the man who was making my life worth living!
We met on the internet, as most people know, the story behind 'how' might be something not all know the intimate details of.
Neil had recently moved back to his parents house after a very nasty break up that had left him pretty much stranded in the middle of nowhere with no one who cared about him. I had just broke up with someone that I was engaged to but realized I couldn't see more from our future then a few months at a time but never years. I had a nagging ex-boyfriend in the background who would constantly vie for my attention but ultimately I wasn't even the person that he wanted to be with.
We were both at a crossroads in our lives and we found one another in a chat room where we realized we were both pretty down. We took the conversation over to MSN and we started to comfort each other. He became someone I would rely on and look for to tell my day to or to rant about the latest goings on. He was amazing and would listen intently and offer his advice.
He wanted to see me as something more, something permanent. I couldn't even fathom being in a relationship right then let alone a long distance relationship. We would chat every day...on the phone, on the internet, via webcam. Whatever means we could communicate, we would do it. Not a day would go by though where he wouldn't ask me if I would be his girlfriend. My heart ached to say yes but my brain told me to say no.
Years had gone by before I knew it and he was preparing to be the best man at his brother's wedding. He reflected on his feelings for me a lot in the lead up to it and I couldn't help but feel the urge to want to be at his side. Not only in this time that was making him nervous but as his wife for a life time. I finally agreed to be his girlfriend and we started the plans to meet up in person finally.
Neil was a very dedicated soldier and was in training to become a para-trooper for the Territorial Army. He had to go for a guns course that took him away from home and away from the PC. It was the hardest time for us. He would call me crying that he missed me and he told me over the phone that he needed me to be his wife, forever. He wanted to be with me forever. He was choosing me. Someone actually wanted me above everyone else.
Our plans quickly turned from me taking a trip up there to meet him for the first time to me meeting him for the first time and becoming Mrs Neil Humphreys all in one trip.
We had spent so many years being everything to each other already and it felt like the right time to commit our lives to each other permanently.
Everyone thinks of our courtship as a 'whirlwind romance' but it's quite the opposite. Sure we spent only six months engaged to each other and we had not met face to face. But I knew him and he knew me better than some people I know who have been married for 20+yrs. When all you have are your words to express and each moment of your day is spent, not in silence, but in conveying in words your every feeling you begin to learn the inner workings of each other. And we were doing that for over two years before we married!
I was eagerly awaiting June, how cliche to be a June bride but it wasn't so much the month that mattered as WHO I was marrying that mattered. It could have been the middle of December in a frozen tundra and I would've been there in a sun dress if that was all I had. Nothing was going to stop me from spending my life with the man who was making my life worth living!
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