When Neil was home, any time I was sick he would always take care of things around the house on the weekend and would let me rest. He would even bring me breakfast in bed.
Last night, I went to bed knowing that I had a sore throat coming on. It had been going on all day and I finally gave into it and took some NyQuil and went to bed. This morning I woke up and there was no doubt that the sore throat was there. It took me forever to get moving and Tyler was gracious enough to let me lay in bed while he entertained himself in his room. I finally rolled out of bed and got us both dressed so we could run out and grab some food and retreat right back to the house. And here we've been all day. Tyler has been watching movies on his DVD player and I've been planted on the couch watching some DVD's I got out at the library.
One thing I learned today about men is that they are just born ignoring women. It's not a learned thing or them just being fed up with women. Tyler was watching TV and I got up to go put my car in the garage and he looked at me and I said to him 'I'm going to go put the car in the garage, I'll be right back.' and he turned back to his TV without saying anything so I said 'Tyler, did you hear me?' he turned to me and said 'Yes.' so I said 'What did I say?' he said 'Ummm you're going potty?'. So I said 'Noooo! I'm going to put my car in the garage.' To which I then mumbled under my breath that he was definitely a man! I already feel bad for his future wife.....or husband!
I've spent all day wrapped up in my blanket and my hoodie but I would've given anything to have been wrapped up in Neil's arms all day long. I can only hope for an improvement tomorrow. Being inside all day drove me insane and I didn't want to spend the weekend like this. Tyler works hard at school all week and my working out takes up the time that he is at school and now we couldn't even enjoy our weekend together. I hope we will be able to do something tomorrow and that this cold will just be a horrible memory.
I was looking at the countdowns that I have on my phone and realized that we're already into the double digits to this shitty deployment ending! I'm so over it all and feel so alone and exposed without him here. There are days when I feel like I don't have a friend in the world and I call my Mother way too late to chat her ear off or just to feel like I'm close to someone. I'm glad that Neil has reenlisted because he loves this life and I love him happy (although he DID sign his paperwork nearly a month ago and has YET to have his ceremony) but it will be great to be back on the East Coast and try a new duty station on for size! We've both learned a lot here and grown as people but it's time to move on! One of the things that we agreed upon about getting into this Army life as a family is that we wanted to travel and see new things/experience new places and I'm ready to have him home and see somewhere new! There is still lots of places around here that we want to see before we PCS and we are hoping to leave early before we have to be at our next duty station so we can see California before we go!
I love you, Neil, come home to us soon! ♥
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Monday, October 08, 2012
The second loss....
Yesterday, October 7th, I came home after having dinner with my son to find my nearly two year old Maltese standing in his cage swaying side to side and salivating. I'd worried he'd had a seizure and called the Animal Emergency Clinic. They agreed and wanted me to bring him in since he wasn't coming back to and was wandering around the house aimlessly.
I loaded him up in his carrier and off we went rushing to Tacoma. Tyler and I ran through the front doors and they called from a triage team to come out and get Tigger. They rushed him back to take his vitals and to assess him. I filled out paperwork, shaking the whole time. We finished and they sat Tyler and I in a room and we waited for the doctor to come back with her assessment. It felt like hours but she came in and told us that she believed he had had another seizure in the car on the way there. His vitals were good but he was unresponsive and had tried to seize on the table so they gave him some anti-seizure meds. She ruled out epilepsy right away since he wouldn't have had so many seizures back to back.
The doctor went back to run some more tests and I went outside to call my parents and get some perspective. I sobbed and they tried to reassure me but I already knew it wasn't looking good for my Tiggy. The doctor came back out with Tiggy wrapped up in a blanket and wanted to give me some time to hold him and to let him know that I was still there. I held him and he was limp up against my body with his hot breath panting onto my chest. I didn't want him to suffer and I could already tell that he wasn't himself. She gave me some of the results but said that Tigger wasn't getting any stronger and his balance was getting worse, he could barely walk. She said we could give him the evening and reevaluate in the morning but that if he took a turn for the worse in the middle of the night that they would just make the decision to put him out of his pain. She wasn't ready to give up on him if I wasn't ready but she said that even if they could get him stable enough for surgery that, after so many seizures, there was no telling what his quality of life would be afterward but that he was nowhere near strong enough to discuss those options at the moment and he was only getting worse.
She took Tiggy back to get him comfortable again and I called my Mother and told her everything that was going on. I knew what I had to do for him but I couldn't bear the thought of asking them to end his life when, in my eyes, he was still my little puppy. I talked to the doctor again and she said that he was still trying to seize but that the meds were keeping it at bay but his time was drawing to a close and that the best thing for him would be to let him go. I agreed and they went back to prep the team and Tigger.
They brought Tyler and I into a room and they layed a blanket on the table so he would be comfortable. I tried to explain to Tyler that we had to say goodbye to Tigger but he didn't seem to understand. They brought him in and laid him on the table. I kept looking into his eyes and petting his head. He was already so at peace and closed his eyes every time I brushed his fur back on his head. I gave him kisses on his nose repeatedly hoping that he would kiss me back but he was too lethargic. Tyler kissed him too and then a nice nurse came in and took Tyler out to the waiting room and got him some candy. I stayed with Tigger and soon after Tyler left the doctor came in. I talked to her a little about Tigger and what an amazing dog he is. She asked if I wanted more time alone with him and I said no, I knew it would only prolong the inevitable and I knew that he was ready to rest. She went on the other side of him and I got closer to his face and kept telling him I loved him and how sorry I was. She took the syringes out of her pocket and placed them on the table beside him. She started by flushing his line, then giving him a sedative and then the over dose. I begged him to forgive me and that I was so sorry I couldn't do more. I kissed him one last time and the doctor told me 'He's gone.'. I cried and held onto him and the doctor stepped out of the room. I couldn't believe he was gone. I still can't. I continued to pet him and talk to him and after awhile the doctor came in. Behind sobs I told her about how he had this stupid haircut as his last one. How the groomers had found his ears too matted and they just shaved them without telling me and I was so mad. She said it seemed to fit him, it really did. My spunky, unique Tigger. The doctor cried with me as I relayed stories about him, my marvelous Maltese.
I said my last goodbyes and she covered him up and then picked him up off the table. All those images in that room were burned into my brain. I found it hard to remember his bark, his kisses, how he would run around the house or greet me when I came home. All I could see were those sad eyes that were vacant with no hint of recognition in them. My young puppy. I wish I could've done more. I wish there would've been more to do.
We had so many amazing memories with him including our vacation to Florida. Not many Pacific Northwest dogs get to vacation in sunny Florida! He was a lucky puppy and we were lucky to be part of his life, albeit not for long. We love you so much, Tigger! I hope you're at peace and that you know that everything we did was out of love for you! Had one detail been different I would've done everything in my power to keep you alive but I knew your little body was giving up despite what a tough dog you actually were. Please watch over us and remind us of your presence whenever you can!
RIP Tigger Humphreys, 28 December 2010 - 7 October 2012
I loaded him up in his carrier and off we went rushing to Tacoma. Tyler and I ran through the front doors and they called from a triage team to come out and get Tigger. They rushed him back to take his vitals and to assess him. I filled out paperwork, shaking the whole time. We finished and they sat Tyler and I in a room and we waited for the doctor to come back with her assessment. It felt like hours but she came in and told us that she believed he had had another seizure in the car on the way there. His vitals were good but he was unresponsive and had tried to seize on the table so they gave him some anti-seizure meds. She ruled out epilepsy right away since he wouldn't have had so many seizures back to back.
The doctor went back to run some more tests and I went outside to call my parents and get some perspective. I sobbed and they tried to reassure me but I already knew it wasn't looking good for my Tiggy. The doctor came back out with Tiggy wrapped up in a blanket and wanted to give me some time to hold him and to let him know that I was still there. I held him and he was limp up against my body with his hot breath panting onto my chest. I didn't want him to suffer and I could already tell that he wasn't himself. She gave me some of the results but said that Tigger wasn't getting any stronger and his balance was getting worse, he could barely walk. She said we could give him the evening and reevaluate in the morning but that if he took a turn for the worse in the middle of the night that they would just make the decision to put him out of his pain. She wasn't ready to give up on him if I wasn't ready but she said that even if they could get him stable enough for surgery that, after so many seizures, there was no telling what his quality of life would be afterward but that he was nowhere near strong enough to discuss those options at the moment and he was only getting worse.
She took Tiggy back to get him comfortable again and I called my Mother and told her everything that was going on. I knew what I had to do for him but I couldn't bear the thought of asking them to end his life when, in my eyes, he was still my little puppy. I talked to the doctor again and she said that he was still trying to seize but that the meds were keeping it at bay but his time was drawing to a close and that the best thing for him would be to let him go. I agreed and they went back to prep the team and Tigger.
They brought Tyler and I into a room and they layed a blanket on the table so he would be comfortable. I tried to explain to Tyler that we had to say goodbye to Tigger but he didn't seem to understand. They brought him in and laid him on the table. I kept looking into his eyes and petting his head. He was already so at peace and closed his eyes every time I brushed his fur back on his head. I gave him kisses on his nose repeatedly hoping that he would kiss me back but he was too lethargic. Tyler kissed him too and then a nice nurse came in and took Tyler out to the waiting room and got him some candy. I stayed with Tigger and soon after Tyler left the doctor came in. I talked to her a little about Tigger and what an amazing dog he is. She asked if I wanted more time alone with him and I said no, I knew it would only prolong the inevitable and I knew that he was ready to rest. She went on the other side of him and I got closer to his face and kept telling him I loved him and how sorry I was. She took the syringes out of her pocket and placed them on the table beside him. She started by flushing his line, then giving him a sedative and then the over dose. I begged him to forgive me and that I was so sorry I couldn't do more. I kissed him one last time and the doctor told me 'He's gone.'. I cried and held onto him and the doctor stepped out of the room. I couldn't believe he was gone. I still can't. I continued to pet him and talk to him and after awhile the doctor came in. Behind sobs I told her about how he had this stupid haircut as his last one. How the groomers had found his ears too matted and they just shaved them without telling me and I was so mad. She said it seemed to fit him, it really did. My spunky, unique Tigger. The doctor cried with me as I relayed stories about him, my marvelous Maltese.
I said my last goodbyes and she covered him up and then picked him up off the table. All those images in that room were burned into my brain. I found it hard to remember his bark, his kisses, how he would run around the house or greet me when I came home. All I could see were those sad eyes that were vacant with no hint of recognition in them. My young puppy. I wish I could've done more. I wish there would've been more to do.
We had so many amazing memories with him including our vacation to Florida. Not many Pacific Northwest dogs get to vacation in sunny Florida! He was a lucky puppy and we were lucky to be part of his life, albeit not for long. We love you so much, Tigger! I hope you're at peace and that you know that everything we did was out of love for you! Had one detail been different I would've done everything in my power to keep you alive but I knew your little body was giving up despite what a tough dog you actually were. Please watch over us and remind us of your presence whenever you can!
RIP Tigger Humphreys, 28 December 2010 - 7 October 2012
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