The loss....

In April 2005, Neil and I found out that we were expecting our first child. We were so torn emotionally. We were right in the middle of trying to secure a visa for Neil to live in the US with me but we were still living in England. We had no idea what we were going to do so we decided that we were going to stay until the baby was born and we would continue through the process. 


On May 24, 2005 I woke up with hard cramps at 3a. I didn't think too much of it at the time as I was hoping that it would just be baby snuggling in. I woke up on time for work and noticed some brown spotting. Worried, I called my GP who told me to go straight to Frenchay Hospital and he would meet me there. I went in and they took me through A&E and set me up in my own room. I called Neil because I was scared but he couldn't leave work so I promised I would keep him informed. 


My doctor showed up finally and did an ultrasound and there was my baby! The first time I saw the heart beat. The doctor was concerned that the heart beat wasn't very strong but said that everything looked good, my cervix was closed etc. but he ordered me home on bed rest. 


May 25, 2005 - the day we'll never forget. I was in the bathroom, one of my routine visits of the day and I had a shock go through my whole abdomen that had me doubled over on the floor. I crawled back to bed and laid there until it went away. Once the pain had subsided I got up and went to the bathroom again. I was mortified to see bright red blood. The pain in my abdomen came back and I crawled from the bathroom back to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, I called my GP who told me to go back to A&E then I called Neil. He said he would try to get out but to go straight to the hospital. 


The doctor met me there and helped me from the car back to the room. He did an ultrasound, this time...the heartbeat was so faint that it was barely noticeable. He checked my cervix and frowned. I started to cry. He told me that my cervix was fully dilated. I cried harder. He explained to me what to expect over the coming days and told me to come back in a week for a check up. 


A week later I went to the GP's office, he checked me again and noticed that I was still bleeding. Guess where we were headed? Back to A&E. Another ultrasound revealed that the sac was still attached to my uterus. He told me we were going to have to do a D&C. I cried and he explained to me that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore and this was necessary. I went ahead with the procedure. I cried the whole time, his nurse was very nice and held my hand. He asked me if I wanted to see the baby, I knew it would be too much and said no. Even though I was only 9wks at the time he told me that upon first look nothing looked abnormal. He said he would send the fetus for testing to make sure that it was nothing genetic. After the procedure was over he sent me on my way. 


I cried on and off for the next week. The GP called me to tell me that there were no genetic abnormalities and that he believes it was just a spontaneous miscarriage. It seemed harder on me to not even have an answer but I knew that my baby was in Heaven. That was all that mattered! 


It would be be three long years until we would try again....