It's been too long....

I feel like I've been neglecting you, dear blog. It has been a whirlwind since Neil got home though. We had less than a week to pack up our life in Florida, say goodbye to our family and head off for the great state of Washington in the Pacific Northwest. We had an amazing time with our family and I feel that we made the most by saying goodbye to everyone. There are some of my family members that I felt I left things unresolved with but I'm happy to hear that they are all working on it together even though I can't be there.

Let me take this moment to go through our driving journal and tell you guys about how we ended up getting here to Washington!

Obviously, we set off from Florida on November 6th. We knew that it was going to take us five days and towards the end of our trip we were going to hit snow of some sort. It was a great ride and we had so much fun. Here goes:

November 6th: Oviedo, FL to Paducah, KY
We set off at 7:25a, right on schedule! We stopped off at Publix to pick up some ice for our cooler. We hit the highway at 7:37a. At 9:09a Neil woke me up (he had taken the first leg of driving) and said 'I think I just got busted speeding.' I look in the side mirror and sure enough there is FHP behind us. I pull out all of our details and hand them to the trooper. She was very nice but Neil was still issued a ticket since she felt (and I completely agree) that he should've been driving more safely with his family in the car. No reason to be mad or anything, I figured one of us would probably get one on the way up there. But by no means did I want it to happen! This was around Gainsville so we pulled over to get gas and switch drivers. At 11:01a we crossed into Georgia. At 2:37p we stopped in Jackson, GA to get gas and to switch drivers again. 4:05p we were in Allatoona, GA when we started to see mountains. It was then that we arranged a slight detour to see Neil's battle buddy, Beaty, in Cleveland, TN. 5:05p we crossed into TN. We stopped for an hour or so to see Beaty and then hit the road again. 8:30p we hit the central time zone. 8:24p we stopped for gas again in Monteagle, TN. 11:40p we crossed into Kentucky! Then finally at 12:55a we arrived at our first hotel, the Days Inn in Paducah, KY! Temperature on arrival was 31 degrees!

November 7th: Paducah, KY to Sioux Falls, SD
8:00a Set off on the road after stopping at BK for breakfast and filling up the tank. 1:42p stopped for gas again while listening to the Bears game on Sirius! Stopped in Nelson, MO. It was a toasty 73 degrees outside! Switched to me driving. 4:50p Crossed the Iowa state line. 6:00p we stooped for gas again and to clean the many dead bugs off of the car. 7:20p crossed into South Dakota. About 50mi before that my car hit 55k! It was 62 degrees outside. 8:30p we arrived at our hotel, Days Inn Sioux Falls, SD.

November 8th: Sioux Falls, SD to Helena, MT
7:45a set off for Mount Rushmore! 10:15a stopped for gas in Oacoma/Chamberlain, SD. 2:00p we arrived at Mount Rushmore! We stayed there for just over an hour and dropped $100 in their gift shop! Can't wait to send the goodies to those back home! 3:20p we were back on the road headed for Helena, MT. At that point I was still driving in case we were to hit snow in Montana. At that time Neil was going to take over. Either way he would take over in Montana. 4:45p we stopped for gas in Sturgis, SD! It was 65 degrees outside. 7:00p we stopped at a rest area for bathroom breaks and to change Tyler's diaper. At this point we switched drivers and Neil took over. 8:00p we stopped for gas again in Crow Agency, MT. The temperature had dipped significantly to 38 degrees! 11:10p Stopped for gas again in Bozeman, MT. At this point it was 31 degrees outside and snowing!! 1:41a we finally arrived at the Motel 6 in Helena, MT. Temp was 34 degrees!

November 9th: Helena, MT to Fort Lewis, WA
8:00a Set off for our final destination! 9:00a Stopped for gas at Exxon in Helena. 12:25p Entered Idaho and Pacific Time Zone! 31 degrees outside, still was seeing on/off flurries but there was beautiful snowy scenery to look at. Time changed us to 11:25a. 11:55a Stopped for gas at a Chevron in Pinehurst, ID at this point it was 44 degrees. 1:25p Made a pit stop in Spokane, WA to see my friend Lori and two of her four beautiful children! It was so awesome to meet her (she's a Mommy board friend) and of course to get our two February '08 babies together! 3:45p Back on the road headed for Fort Lewis, currently 43 degrees! 7:45 we stopped for gas in Maple Valley, WA. Around 9p we arrived on McChord Air Force Base after MUCH driving around and trying to find out how to get on post. Thankful to be here and ready for sleep!

Well - that was it! I will write more tomorrow about our stay here so far. Now I'm off to play a game with the hubby!

I'm getting him back!

I feel reserved celebrating openly about getting my soldier back. While I have had some very pleasant experiences with fellow Army/military wives there are a few bad apples amongst the bunch. Including some who have condemned me for being excited about getting my soldier back after 'only' training when some still have lengthy amounts of time left until they see their deployed soldiers.

I don't place myself above anyone else or think that my situation requires any special attention but I don't see why I shouldn't be excited about getting MY soldier back. Every night that I go to bed I pray for every service man and woman who serves this great country and the spouses/family that they leave behind. My husband is important to me and amongst the top of my prayer list. Him finally leaving training means that he is ready to be deployed. At any time. I have no more guarantees and I get only limited time.

I'm thankful that he is finally coming home to spend some time with our family and to move to his first duty station. The Army makes no promises of time that I get with him from here on out so I beg your forgiveness if you're offended by my excitement about being given some time with him before we find out what his chances of deployment are/will be.

He is my soul mate. Without him, life would lose so much of it's meaning. I'm thankful for every moment that God gives me in this life with him. Some people have told me that these women are only bitter but I don't think that at all. I know what it's like to miss your husband and I know the fear in me just thinking about him being deployed. I hold no ill will against anyone and I'm thankful for those that have served, will serve and are serving right now. My husband IS amongst those.

I'll NEVER show anyone else disrespect when it comes to our soldiers, I just expect the same in return.

I am looking forward to getting my husband back tomorrow and I will be eagerly waiting and watching that arrivals board to see that he has finally landed and come back home to me and our son! Less than 24hrs and I'll be falling into those deep blue eyes of his.....

And then there are times when it's just not worth it....

Bitch.

I've been called that a fair few times. Sometimes I thought 'Wow. I really must be a piece of work' but I've put some thought into it while I've been separated from my husband and the quiet of my room while my toddler sleeps. If I am being labeled a bitch does it make me one because I protect my family? Because I stand up for the things I believe in? Because I won't let people talk badly about my husband and the choices that we've made as a family?

Because people feel the need to attack us, I have my guard up. It is no one's business what my husband chooses to do. For five years we've had lengthy talks of where our careers would take us and Neil did the best he could as a civilian once we moved to the US together but the Army has opened doors for us that we never dreamed imaginable. My husband is a born soldier. His mind works differently than my own and though I can not often wrap my mind around the things that he does and likes, I would never oppose him seeking out the things that made him happy. His happiness means the world to me.

To those critics reading and those who have voiced their opinions in the past, feel free to leave your unwanted criticisms at the door. Neil may be many things but the one thing he will never be is careless. The Army is providing him training and the tools for survival and I don't expect others to understand why he does this or to question this! He knows that he has a young family at home who loves him and he knows the risks out there but that is what is making him stand head and shoulders above the rest. He is taking all of his training in and learning how to apply it to real life situations. He is already taking his job very seriously and in the back of his mind is Tyler and I. I have faith in the Army that they're training him well.

But I digress. I am not a bitch, I stand up for my family and if, to you, that makes me a bitch than perhaps you need to do some evaluating on yourself. I would give my life for my son and my husband without a second thought and Neil is doing the same for us. Another quote that really speaks to me says: "My husband doesn't fight because he hates what is in front of him, he fights because he loves what is behind him." This is his country now. He is an American Citizen, an American Soldier. He doesn't take the Oath of Enlistment or the Citizenship Oath lightly. He wants to do all that he can to keep our nation safe.

This is why I don't feel like we need the people in our lives who put him down for his career choices. He doesn't come to your office and yell at you for sitting on your ass all day! Instead, he is willing to fight so you can have that freedom! The sad part is, some of these people are supposed to be his 'family'. There has been everything from a lack of support to coming right out and saying that they don't agree with it. When you talk about my husband behind his back to me, don't think that it stays there long. As soon as I have a moment to sit down with him, I tell him everything. We harbor no secrets. So next time you try to blow sunshine up his ass and tell him how proud you are of him just be well aware that he already knows the truth.

In the coming months and years we will find out who really deserves to be in our lives. I have a feeling I can already count about 10 people who will be quickly dropped from our lives and it won't come as a surprise when it happens. Some people you just don't get along with and it's nothing personal. It really is just conflicting personalities. I've tried a lot and mostly in vain. The people who are two-faced always continue to be two-faced. I can firmly say that no one likes people that are two-faced and everyone knows that you are, no matter how much you may try to hide it. People act like they like you only hoping to not get on your bad side but they know you can never be trusted. It's sad really. You will never be truly happy because you are too busy trying to make yourself look better to others.

There are people who come into our lives and you know that they are meant to be there. You know that God brought them into your life for a reason and then there are times when it's just not worth it....

In love with an American Soldier....

With Neil being gone it has allowed me a lot of time to reflect on our relationship. While we've known each other for about eight years, of those eight years we've only been married six. Sometimes, it feels like we've been married 20! In our 'short' marriage we have gone through a lot. God has tested us time and time again and at the end of it all we're still together!

I think the things we have gone through have prepared us to be a military family. We're no strangers to distance. We've lived 1400 miles and an ocean apart before. I think that knowledge is what leaves no doubt that God exists in my mind. How could He not have a hand in us being together? Of all the people I met on my journey's to England all of them were driving me south to where he lived. I had long given up on finding 'the one' when he and I met. He was persistent on me dating him but I was living back in the U.S. then and I wasn't interested in doing this international dating again. Not only was it expensive but it was heartbreaking. Too many long goodbyes said in airports, tears streaming down my cheeks and the lonely walk to the plane by myself. For some reason, he was worth it all.

We know what he signed up for. We aren't delusional in thinking that he won't be deployed at some point, we know he joined up in a time of war. We're entirely aware of the choices that he has made. I believe that the Army trains their soldiers well. I don't think that they would send them into battle thinking that they weren't prepared or that they had not done all they could to prepare them. This is Neil's second go round in an Army, albeit first time in the US Army. He is a born leader. Something in him makes him WANT to be a soldier. I never thought I would be a full-time Army wife but his happiness is something that I could not push aside. He likes long runs, good PT sessions, playing with guns/cannons and mentoring other soldiers. How could I not be proud of him?

Seeing Neil with all of the other recruits that he started BCT with was something I'm not likely to forget. They had all changed, matured...even Neil! For the most part he stayed the same but when he saw us there was pride in his eyes. He was happy that we were there to support him and proud to show us all off. I was whisked between soldiers and Drill Sergeants and meeting everyone in between. Seeing him become a citizen and pinning his PFC pin on him were things I was all too happy to be apart of!

That time was over all too soon. Sunday rolled around quicker than I cared for and we were standing in the parking lot in front of his new unit with tears in our eyes. When he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest I could feel myself collapse from the inside out. It felt like my heart had given out and the sobbing was uncontrollable. I pulled away to look at his face and saw tears streaming down his face. In that moment I realized we were feeling the same thing, he was going to miss me just as much. I buried my face in his chest again and continued to cry. Every once in awhile I felt light kisses on the top of my head and a soothing rub on my back from his hand. We kissed once more and he grabbed his bags, told me he loved me and he would see me soon and started to walk off. We held hands until they were broke by the distance and I got in the car and cried. I couldn't watch him walk away. I cried for a few minutes and when I thought he was likely gone, we drove off.

I can still recall that pain in my heart as I write this. He really is my everything. I don't know how I would live or breathe without him. I hope they are things I never have to try and do. The thought of him being gone for good brings tears to my eyes now, I could only imagine what it would feel like if it were real. I pray that he is never taken from me but I know that a lot of military wives have made those prayers before and not all of them were answered. He is willing to give his life for this country. He is willing to give his life for all that he believes in.

I'm proud of him. My husband, my soldier. He doesn't need to wear a cape to be our hero. Wearing combat boots is enough. He most likely will never make it into the headlines or be on the front of the newspaper for all the good he will do but I will know. His son will know. Joining up in a time of war makes him braver than most people I know. I am proud to be his wife, even before he was a soldier I knew he was destined for great things. God called him to be a soldier and he has answered the call.

On Neil's facebook page is a quote from the Toby Keith song 'American Soldier'. This is is a song that touches both of our hearts and fills us with pride to the point of tears when we hear it. The quote reads: "I will always do my duty, no matter what the price. I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice. I don't want to die for you but if dying's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with honor cause freedom don't come free."

American Soldier - Toby Keith

This is where the healing begins....

I was touched by this song today. It actually gets to me every time I hear it and Tenth Avenue North is definitely becoming one of my favorite Christian bands but I think this song may help a lot of people. We all face trials in our every day lives but breaking down those walls and confessing your sins is really where the healing begins.

It doesn't matter how much you have or don't have. If friends judge you on that then they are not friends at all. Neil and I have gone through a lot in the last few years and we really learned who our friends were and weren't. The people who couldn't get their heads around us going through financial hardship and both Neil and I losing our jobs almost simultaneously, having to move back in with my parents and selling our beloved brand new Dodge Charger were the people that we could do without and we trimmed that fat in our lives.

I never thought that I would be in a position of having to justify myself to people. Neil used to tell me all the time that I didn't need to answer to anyone but myself. I felt ashamed that we were going through rough times with a baby on the way. It didn't help when friends would look down their noses at me. I thanked God every day though that my parents were able to take us in. Had it not been for them...I shudder to think where we would've ended up.

As for the Army, I am not upset one bit about Neil wanting to join and this is a decision that we entered into together. A lot of discussion went into it. As a matter of fact, 5 years of discussing went into it. We're just thankful that Neil has the opportunity to do something that he truly loves. He was upset when he had to leave the Territorial Army back in England for us to move back to the States. I will always be proud of and faithful to him.

It doesn't matter what I have or don't have. I have the love of my husband, son, parents, sister, in-laws, my savior - Jesus Christ and the Great Father Almighty. Those are the only people I will answer to.

This is where the healing begins....

Healing Begins - Tenth Avenue North

I was born for this...

As I was relaxing in the shower (I know, just the visual you wanted) and I was thinking about how well (I think) I'm coping with Neil being gone. I twisted the Army bracelet back and forth on my wrist while I stared at the words 'Army Strong'. I began to smile to myself as I realized what those words really meant to me.

I thought back to meeting Neil and going over in my head how good I am at waiting patiently for something to happen. It took awhile to get things in order to go over and meet Neil for the first time. Throw on top of that the fact that we were planning out trips around the UK and a wedding. I had to apply for a visitors visa before I went with all the post 9/11 craziness. Once I get there we run all over the country and then we're separated again. I head back to the US, alone, to obtain my spousal visa to move back to the UK. Another two months we were apart and LOTS of paperwork. Finally make it back to be with him and we decide to move back to the US. We spend 11 months in the visa process with endless amounts of paperwork back and forth between the US and England. Side note: It took me TWO WEEKS to obtain a spousal visa to move to the UK. It took Neil ONE YEAR to get his visa. 

Once we move back to the US Neil had two years that he wasn't allowed to leave the country and then we had to apply for his Permanent Resident card. Thank you, US Government! Exactly what I wanted! More paperwork!! Easy, we get it done and Neil is done and dusted for TEN YEARS! Or so we thought....

My dear, sweet, precious hubby decides that he wants to be in the US Army. The first thing I thought was 'What?!' the second thought 'I wonder how much paperwork is involved in that?'. You see where my thoughts go. But I patiently research everything for him while he goes and visits the recruiters and finds out what it's going to take for him to join the Army. He starts losing weight and I research myself to death finding the ins and outs of the whole process. My first hurdle; getting Neil's credentials from his schooling in the UK converted to the US equivalent. Where does one start? More research! Because the Army has an overflow of people wanting to join right now they don't feel the need to do anything like pay for the conversion of credentials. We find a company to do it I pay for them to expedite it there is NOTHING speedy about their process but they refuse to refund me anything. Give me my stuff back and let me go!

We give everything to the recruiter and the process seemed to gain wings from there. It all went quite quick. He kept losing weight and the waiting and countdowns continued until the day he left. I'm just very good at waiting and paperwork AND countdowns! This is something that I am not ashamed of. I think all that we have been through has prepared me for becoming an Army wife. Neil and I have done transatlantic moving twice, moved house four times so moving from post to post should be no problem at all.

We have been through SO much, we couldn't be more prepared for this process. Me specifically. I am just so used to doing a lot of moving and paperwork, I was made for the Army LOL!

I really am thankful for all that God has given me and I can't believe that we're doing this Army thing again. I only did it for a short time in England and he was only part time there but it was still crazy dealing with his training schedules etc. I love that man though, there is no doubt about that and I'm doing my best to pick up the slack and help where I can since I stay at home with the toddler right now. I'm looking forward to what God has in store for us next but whatever it is it will be Neil and I all the way!

I thought that I needed to bring this diary up to present time so I could have somewhere to write. I hope to be able to go back and write about how we got here later on but I definitely need this now!

The Decision...

The decision wasn't easy to come by. We struggled a lot, mentally and emotionally, on whether or not to return to The States to live. 

I've always longed to live in England and while the cost of living was higher than I was used to, I couldn't sacrifice all of that beautiful history that was right in my own back yard! 

So many things had happened that led me to the decision to come back home. My Mother had a couple of medical issues that arose and I am so close to her that I couldn't imagine being there for her in her time of need. It broke my heart when both her and my Father were diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and I couldn't be there to help them through those first few weeks/months of coping with the disease. My Mother-in-law, who also suffers from Type 2, gave me a lot of guidance about what they were going through and it prepared me a little to be supportive for them albeit over the phone and web. 

Neil is one of those husbands who can be self-sacrificing. If it comes down to it he would rather that I be happy above his happiness. We talked at length about the pros and cons of moving back to my 'home'. It was a hard decision to make but we ultimately decided we would have better opportunities living here. 

During the 11 month process of jumping through all of the hoops that the government laid out for us we took advantage of all the things that we would miss in England. We visited a lot of castles, saw a lot of sites and spent Neil's days off adventuring instead of sitting still. We did so much in that time but nothing would prepare us for how heart-breaking it would be to kiss my in-laws goodbye and get on a plane not knowing when we would all see each other again. 

But on November 7, 2005 we found ourselves boarding a plane heading back to Florida. After all of the 'hurry up and wait' that we had gone through with the government for the last 11 months, it seemed surreal to finally have his visa and be headed to start over again in Florida! 

The loss....

In April 2005, Neil and I found out that we were expecting our first child. We were so torn emotionally. We were right in the middle of trying to secure a visa for Neil to live in the US with me but we were still living in England. We had no idea what we were going to do so we decided that we were going to stay until the baby was born and we would continue through the process. 


On May 24, 2005 I woke up with hard cramps at 3a. I didn't think too much of it at the time as I was hoping that it would just be baby snuggling in. I woke up on time for work and noticed some brown spotting. Worried, I called my GP who told me to go straight to Frenchay Hospital and he would meet me there. I went in and they took me through A&E and set me up in my own room. I called Neil because I was scared but he couldn't leave work so I promised I would keep him informed. 


My doctor showed up finally and did an ultrasound and there was my baby! The first time I saw the heart beat. The doctor was concerned that the heart beat wasn't very strong but said that everything looked good, my cervix was closed etc. but he ordered me home on bed rest. 


May 25, 2005 - the day we'll never forget. I was in the bathroom, one of my routine visits of the day and I had a shock go through my whole abdomen that had me doubled over on the floor. I crawled back to bed and laid there until it went away. Once the pain had subsided I got up and went to the bathroom again. I was mortified to see bright red blood. The pain in my abdomen came back and I crawled from the bathroom back to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, I called my GP who told me to go back to A&E then I called Neil. He said he would try to get out but to go straight to the hospital. 


The doctor met me there and helped me from the car back to the room. He did an ultrasound, this time...the heartbeat was so faint that it was barely noticeable. He checked my cervix and frowned. I started to cry. He told me that my cervix was fully dilated. I cried harder. He explained to me what to expect over the coming days and told me to come back in a week for a check up. 


A week later I went to the GP's office, he checked me again and noticed that I was still bleeding. Guess where we were headed? Back to A&E. Another ultrasound revealed that the sac was still attached to my uterus. He told me we were going to have to do a D&C. I cried and he explained to me that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore and this was necessary. I went ahead with the procedure. I cried the whole time, his nurse was very nice and held my hand. He asked me if I wanted to see the baby, I knew it would be too much and said no. Even though I was only 9wks at the time he told me that upon first look nothing looked abnormal. He said he would send the fetus for testing to make sure that it was nothing genetic. After the procedure was over he sent me on my way. 


I cried on and off for the next week. The GP called me to tell me that there were no genetic abnormalities and that he believes it was just a spontaneous miscarriage. It seemed harder on me to not even have an answer but I knew that my baby was in Heaven. That was all that mattered! 


It would be be three long years until we would try again....

The Wedding...

We traveled from Bristol where I was staying with him and his family to London, Nottingham, Middlesbrough and then Carlisle. We stayed in Carlisle which was just outside where we were getting married.

We were very lucky when we got to the hotel that, since we were having flowers delivered there, they knew we were getting married so they upgraded us to the honeymoon suite at no extra charge. It was beautiful! A few of our friends from around Scotland and England traveled to see us get married. It was mostly just our online friends who had witnessed our relationship develop and Neil's best friend, Luke, who was also our Best Man!

We married on June 30th, 2004 at 1:30p GMT in Gretna Green, Scotland inside of The Blacksmiths Cottage. There is so much history tied up in Gretna Green that it almost seemed fitting for us to marry somewhere so historical. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about Gretna Green. It has secret compartments in the walls where the Priests and other staff would hide the runaways who wanted to get married incase if their parents showed up trying to stop the wedding. It was amazing to know that we were sharing that area with so many other people who came before us and were incredibly in love, like us.

Although we would've loved for our families to be there we were blessed that we had friends by our sides who could witness our marriage that day.

We hope to take Tyler there someday to show him where his Mommy and Daddy started their life of commitment to each other off at, I hope he will be as in awe of the history as we were.