This is where the healing begins....

I was touched by this song today. It actually gets to me every time I hear it and Tenth Avenue North is definitely becoming one of my favorite Christian bands but I think this song may help a lot of people. We all face trials in our every day lives but breaking down those walls and confessing your sins is really where the healing begins.

It doesn't matter how much you have or don't have. If friends judge you on that then they are not friends at all. Neil and I have gone through a lot in the last few years and we really learned who our friends were and weren't. The people who couldn't get their heads around us going through financial hardship and both Neil and I losing our jobs almost simultaneously, having to move back in with my parents and selling our beloved brand new Dodge Charger were the people that we could do without and we trimmed that fat in our lives.

I never thought that I would be in a position of having to justify myself to people. Neil used to tell me all the time that I didn't need to answer to anyone but myself. I felt ashamed that we were going through rough times with a baby on the way. It didn't help when friends would look down their noses at me. I thanked God every day though that my parents were able to take us in. Had it not been for them...I shudder to think where we would've ended up.

As for the Army, I am not upset one bit about Neil wanting to join and this is a decision that we entered into together. A lot of discussion went into it. As a matter of fact, 5 years of discussing went into it. We're just thankful that Neil has the opportunity to do something that he truly loves. He was upset when he had to leave the Territorial Army back in England for us to move back to the States. I will always be proud of and faithful to him.

It doesn't matter what I have or don't have. I have the love of my husband, son, parents, sister, in-laws, my savior - Jesus Christ and the Great Father Almighty. Those are the only people I will answer to.

This is where the healing begins....

Healing Begins - Tenth Avenue North

I was born for this...

As I was relaxing in the shower (I know, just the visual you wanted) and I was thinking about how well (I think) I'm coping with Neil being gone. I twisted the Army bracelet back and forth on my wrist while I stared at the words 'Army Strong'. I began to smile to myself as I realized what those words really meant to me.

I thought back to meeting Neil and going over in my head how good I am at waiting patiently for something to happen. It took awhile to get things in order to go over and meet Neil for the first time. Throw on top of that the fact that we were planning out trips around the UK and a wedding. I had to apply for a visitors visa before I went with all the post 9/11 craziness. Once I get there we run all over the country and then we're separated again. I head back to the US, alone, to obtain my spousal visa to move back to the UK. Another two months we were apart and LOTS of paperwork. Finally make it back to be with him and we decide to move back to the US. We spend 11 months in the visa process with endless amounts of paperwork back and forth between the US and England. Side note: It took me TWO WEEKS to obtain a spousal visa to move to the UK. It took Neil ONE YEAR to get his visa. 

Once we move back to the US Neil had two years that he wasn't allowed to leave the country and then we had to apply for his Permanent Resident card. Thank you, US Government! Exactly what I wanted! More paperwork!! Easy, we get it done and Neil is done and dusted for TEN YEARS! Or so we thought....

My dear, sweet, precious hubby decides that he wants to be in the US Army. The first thing I thought was 'What?!' the second thought 'I wonder how much paperwork is involved in that?'. You see where my thoughts go. But I patiently research everything for him while he goes and visits the recruiters and finds out what it's going to take for him to join the Army. He starts losing weight and I research myself to death finding the ins and outs of the whole process. My first hurdle; getting Neil's credentials from his schooling in the UK converted to the US equivalent. Where does one start? More research! Because the Army has an overflow of people wanting to join right now they don't feel the need to do anything like pay for the conversion of credentials. We find a company to do it I pay for them to expedite it there is NOTHING speedy about their process but they refuse to refund me anything. Give me my stuff back and let me go!

We give everything to the recruiter and the process seemed to gain wings from there. It all went quite quick. He kept losing weight and the waiting and countdowns continued until the day he left. I'm just very good at waiting and paperwork AND countdowns! This is something that I am not ashamed of. I think all that we have been through has prepared me for becoming an Army wife. Neil and I have done transatlantic moving twice, moved house four times so moving from post to post should be no problem at all.

We have been through SO much, we couldn't be more prepared for this process. Me specifically. I am just so used to doing a lot of moving and paperwork, I was made for the Army LOL!

I really am thankful for all that God has given me and I can't believe that we're doing this Army thing again. I only did it for a short time in England and he was only part time there but it was still crazy dealing with his training schedules etc. I love that man though, there is no doubt about that and I'm doing my best to pick up the slack and help where I can since I stay at home with the toddler right now. I'm looking forward to what God has in store for us next but whatever it is it will be Neil and I all the way!

I thought that I needed to bring this diary up to present time so I could have somewhere to write. I hope to be able to go back and write about how we got here later on but I definitely need this now!

The Decision...

The decision wasn't easy to come by. We struggled a lot, mentally and emotionally, on whether or not to return to The States to live. 

I've always longed to live in England and while the cost of living was higher than I was used to, I couldn't sacrifice all of that beautiful history that was right in my own back yard! 

So many things had happened that led me to the decision to come back home. My Mother had a couple of medical issues that arose and I am so close to her that I couldn't imagine being there for her in her time of need. It broke my heart when both her and my Father were diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and I couldn't be there to help them through those first few weeks/months of coping with the disease. My Mother-in-law, who also suffers from Type 2, gave me a lot of guidance about what they were going through and it prepared me a little to be supportive for them albeit over the phone and web. 

Neil is one of those husbands who can be self-sacrificing. If it comes down to it he would rather that I be happy above his happiness. We talked at length about the pros and cons of moving back to my 'home'. It was a hard decision to make but we ultimately decided we would have better opportunities living here. 

During the 11 month process of jumping through all of the hoops that the government laid out for us we took advantage of all the things that we would miss in England. We visited a lot of castles, saw a lot of sites and spent Neil's days off adventuring instead of sitting still. We did so much in that time but nothing would prepare us for how heart-breaking it would be to kiss my in-laws goodbye and get on a plane not knowing when we would all see each other again. 

But on November 7, 2005 we found ourselves boarding a plane heading back to Florida. After all of the 'hurry up and wait' that we had gone through with the government for the last 11 months, it seemed surreal to finally have his visa and be headed to start over again in Florida! 

The loss....

In April 2005, Neil and I found out that we were expecting our first child. We were so torn emotionally. We were right in the middle of trying to secure a visa for Neil to live in the US with me but we were still living in England. We had no idea what we were going to do so we decided that we were going to stay until the baby was born and we would continue through the process. 


On May 24, 2005 I woke up with hard cramps at 3a. I didn't think too much of it at the time as I was hoping that it would just be baby snuggling in. I woke up on time for work and noticed some brown spotting. Worried, I called my GP who told me to go straight to Frenchay Hospital and he would meet me there. I went in and they took me through A&E and set me up in my own room. I called Neil because I was scared but he couldn't leave work so I promised I would keep him informed. 


My doctor showed up finally and did an ultrasound and there was my baby! The first time I saw the heart beat. The doctor was concerned that the heart beat wasn't very strong but said that everything looked good, my cervix was closed etc. but he ordered me home on bed rest. 


May 25, 2005 - the day we'll never forget. I was in the bathroom, one of my routine visits of the day and I had a shock go through my whole abdomen that had me doubled over on the floor. I crawled back to bed and laid there until it went away. Once the pain had subsided I got up and went to the bathroom again. I was mortified to see bright red blood. The pain in my abdomen came back and I crawled from the bathroom back to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, I called my GP who told me to go back to A&E then I called Neil. He said he would try to get out but to go straight to the hospital. 


The doctor met me there and helped me from the car back to the room. He did an ultrasound, this time...the heartbeat was so faint that it was barely noticeable. He checked my cervix and frowned. I started to cry. He told me that my cervix was fully dilated. I cried harder. He explained to me what to expect over the coming days and told me to come back in a week for a check up. 


A week later I went to the GP's office, he checked me again and noticed that I was still bleeding. Guess where we were headed? Back to A&E. Another ultrasound revealed that the sac was still attached to my uterus. He told me we were going to have to do a D&C. I cried and he explained to me that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore and this was necessary. I went ahead with the procedure. I cried the whole time, his nurse was very nice and held my hand. He asked me if I wanted to see the baby, I knew it would be too much and said no. Even though I was only 9wks at the time he told me that upon first look nothing looked abnormal. He said he would send the fetus for testing to make sure that it was nothing genetic. After the procedure was over he sent me on my way. 


I cried on and off for the next week. The GP called me to tell me that there were no genetic abnormalities and that he believes it was just a spontaneous miscarriage. It seemed harder on me to not even have an answer but I knew that my baby was in Heaven. That was all that mattered! 


It would be be three long years until we would try again....

The Wedding...

We traveled from Bristol where I was staying with him and his family to London, Nottingham, Middlesbrough and then Carlisle. We stayed in Carlisle which was just outside where we were getting married.

We were very lucky when we got to the hotel that, since we were having flowers delivered there, they knew we were getting married so they upgraded us to the honeymoon suite at no extra charge. It was beautiful! A few of our friends from around Scotland and England traveled to see us get married. It was mostly just our online friends who had witnessed our relationship develop and Neil's best friend, Luke, who was also our Best Man!

We married on June 30th, 2004 at 1:30p GMT in Gretna Green, Scotland inside of The Blacksmiths Cottage. There is so much history tied up in Gretna Green that it almost seemed fitting for us to marry somewhere so historical. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about Gretna Green. It has secret compartments in the walls where the Priests and other staff would hide the runaways who wanted to get married incase if their parents showed up trying to stop the wedding. It was amazing to know that we were sharing that area with so many other people who came before us and were incredibly in love, like us.

Although we would've loved for our families to be there we were blessed that we had friends by our sides who could witness our marriage that day.

We hope to take Tyler there someday to show him where his Mommy and Daddy started their life of commitment to each other off at, I hope he will be as in awe of the history as we were.

The First Meeting....

I flew to England on June 22, 2004. The whole flight I was a nervous wreck. I always take overnight flights there so I had a lot of time to think while I should've been doing a lot of sleeping. I listened to a lot of CD's and wrote a lot and finally they were turning the cabin lights back on and serving us 'breakfast'. I was too nervous to eat so I asked for another pop to keep me awake. The stewardess was kind, I kept looking at pictures of Neil and she asked to see it and so I showed it to her and she said 'Gorgeous bloke' my heart just fluttered all the more to know that soon that 'bloke' was going to be my husband!

The plane landed and we all started shifting to get our things organized to get off the plane. I love the rush of emotions in the cabin when you're about to disembark. Some people coming home, some people on vacation, some there for business and a few, like me, meeting someone from the internet for the first time. I took, what I always consider, the walk of shame to customs. This is where you have to try and not look guilty. I answered all of there questions, showed them my return trip itinerary and just as I was about to be handed my passport the dreaded question came 'Oh, you're not planning to get married in England on this trip are you?'. Without even missing a beat I replied with a smile 'Nope!' and off I went, cleared passport in hand! Worry not though, I didn't lie to the customs agent. They need to phrase their questions better. It should've been said 'Oh, you're not planning to get married in the UK on this trip are you?' because TECHNICALLY I was married in Scotland, not England!

I went to get a cart to put my luggage on. This was the part I hated the most. As many times as I have flown into Gatwick I hate getting those carts and putting ALL my luggage on there myself and then trying to find a way to maneuver it through the crowds when the wheels ALWAYS seem to have a mind of their own. But I got it and kept my eye on the door that everyone was headed through. Slowly my luggage started to come until I had all the pieces. I made my way to the door and it opened. The long white corridor seemed to stretch on forever and between the people I could see the crowd gathered waiting to greet their loved ones. My eyes dart around but I see dozens of faces. I break through the corridor and I hear him 'Missy!' my heart hit the floor, I was finally going to see him without the aid of the PC. I turned around and he was hoping over the barrier and running towards me, I froze...a huge smile on my face. He grabbed me up in his arms and said 'It's SO good to see you' I said 'You too' he smiled back down at me and then we kissed. It felt like an eternity and yet I felt like I was going to melt into a pool of Missy on the floor. He pulled away and looked in my eyes again and said 'I can't believe you're here, I love you!' my heart skipped beats, probably because I wasn't breathing I said to him 'I love you too!'.

We finally stopped starring at each other long enough to start walking to the car. We got through all of the usual questions 'How was the flight?' 'How was your drive?' 'Crappy weather'. All the usual. We started to drive back to Bristol, where he lived. I loved the drive through London and the rolling country side as we got further from the city. Finally, we started to get to areas I recognized. Places from our many conversations that rang bells. We pulled in to Yate, the town he lived in, and it all seemed so familiar. Like we had driven these ways before. I had seen the road outside of his house SO many times. He would show me through the web cam the pouring down the rain, the falling snow and just a beautiful English summers day.

We pulled into the driveway of his house and we were the only ones there. After a long flight for me and a night of anticipation for both of us we decided to take a nap and wait for everyone else to get there. We closed our eyes and fell asleep in each others arms, for the very first time!

The beginning....

There are very few moments that stick out in my mind but the day I met my future husband is a day I will never forget. 

We met on the internet, as most people know, the story behind 'how' might be something not all know the intimate details of. 

Neil had recently moved back to his parents house after a very nasty break up that had left him pretty much stranded in the middle of nowhere with no one who cared about him. I had just broke up with someone that I was engaged to but realized I couldn't see more from our future then a few months at a time but never years. I had a nagging ex-boyfriend in the background who would constantly vie for my attention but ultimately I wasn't even the person that he wanted to be with. 

We were both at a crossroads in our lives and we found one another in a chat room where we realized we were both pretty down. We took the conversation over to MSN and we started to comfort each other. He became someone I would rely on and look for to tell my day to or to rant about the latest goings on. He was amazing and would listen intently and offer his advice. 

He wanted to see me as something more, something permanent. I couldn't even fathom being in a relationship right then let alone a long distance relationship. We would chat every day...on the phone, on the internet, via webcam. Whatever means we could communicate, we would do it. Not a day would go by though where he wouldn't ask me if I would be his girlfriend. My heart ached to say yes but my brain told me to say no. 

Years had gone by before I knew it and he was preparing to be the best man at his brother's wedding. He reflected on his feelings for me a lot in the lead up to it and I couldn't help but feel the urge to want to be at his side. Not only in this time that was making him nervous but as his wife for a life time. I finally agreed to be his girlfriend and we started the plans to meet up in person finally. 

Neil was a very dedicated soldier and was in training to become a para-trooper for the Territorial Army. He had to go for a guns course that took him away from home and away from the PC. It was the hardest time for us. He would call me crying that he missed me and he told me over the phone that he needed me to be his wife, forever. He wanted to be with me forever. He was choosing me. Someone actually wanted me above everyone else. 

Our plans quickly turned from me taking a trip up there to meet him for the first time to me meeting him for the first time and becoming Mrs Neil Humphreys all in one trip. 

We had spent so many years being everything to each other already and it felt like the right time to commit our lives to each other permanently. 

Everyone thinks of our courtship as a 'whirlwind romance' but it's quite the opposite. Sure we spent only six months engaged to each other and we had not met face to face. But I knew him and he knew me better than some people I know who have been married for 20+yrs. When all you have are your words to express and each moment of your day is spent, not in silence, but in conveying in words your every feeling you begin to learn the inner workings of each other. And we were doing that for over two years before we married!

I was eagerly awaiting June, how cliche to be a June bride but it wasn't so much the month that mattered as WHO I was marrying that mattered. It could have been the middle of December in a frozen tundra and I would've been there in a sun dress if that was all I had. Nothing was going to stop me from spending my life with the man who was making my life worth living!